No Motivation.

I feel like I need to update this thing, but I don't really have anything deep and meaningful to say...

I drove home to my parents house yesterday and plan on being here for 12 days. Hoping to catch up on some homework, and get my rooms set to move into. And of course spend some time with Benjamin.

Well to explain the terror that getting my rooms set up is going to be I took pictures. Let me remind you that I am unofficially OCD, so this drives me insane and sends me almost into a panic....

This is the room in the basement where I will be moving into to sleep, have my desk, tv, etc.




Tons of shit! And dad can't lift anything so it's all me. Yeah, not sure how that's going to work.
But I am pulling the carpet up, painting the floor black. Painting the walls gray, and probably painting the ceiling black. Mom doesn't like that idea, but oh well. =)

This is my room at my parents:


When I moved out it turned into a storage room. When I got engaged it became my mom's storage room/the wedding storage room. So most of the shit in here needs to be sold. Anyone want a dress? Invitations? Random other wedding stuff? Oh and my beautiful Christmas tree is there!! =) This room needs to be cleaned out because it is going to be turned into my ultimate walk in closet. My mom's idea....and I LOVE it!! =)

And this is the reason I need to get into gear:
This is my parents' spare room, the bed I sleep in. Covered in my crap with no where to go.




And this is my parents' family room. All those boxes and tubs and suitcases are filled with clothes, oh and the big suitcase is all shoes. I have a problem. And I know it. Mom said I have three days to get it all out of her family room. She's more generous than I would be. But don't tell her I said that.



So rather than working on the long list of stuff to do, here I am blogging. But then again I did only get 3.5 hours sleep last night, so I think that's a good excuse! =)

Once it's all done I will be posting pictures!! =)
♥Sara

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
- Marilyn Monroe

Proving Myself.

So, I am sitting in the bathtub (? Yes, I am in the bathtub! ? Yes, the computer is in the bathtub with me (on a stand). ? Yes, I know I have a problem!). I am supposed to be working on homework but I am totally inspired for once.

I am in the bathtub because, as you know, I decided to move back to my parents' house. Well that's not the exact reason. The exact reason is I am avoiding doing all my moving in one day by bringing a carload home every time I come. And I guess that's not the exact reason either. The exact reason is that I felt I needed to prove myself (to myself, go figure!) and loaded my boxes up with my books (ALL of them in TWO boxes!!!) and carried them down my three flights of stairs across the lot to my car and then up the stairs to my parents house and down the stairs to my future room.

I got home and my dad offered to help me, and I told him no, he wouldn't be able to carry them (he has a bad back) and he said oh yes I can. At this point, he proceeded to pull a box out of the car. And then yelled at me "WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU HAVE IN THIS?!?" And I told him I said it was all books!! I was carrying the other (and heavier of the two) in the house. He asked me how I was going to get the box in the house and I laughed and said the same way that I got it in the car! I'm going to carry it!

Knowing that I did it myself and my dad didn't think I could made my day!!

In my process of learning to be spontaneous and not overanalyze I have developed a strong desire to be independent. And not so much that I feel like I don't need other people (I know I do!!), it's more of a I need to know I can do this, and this is every aspect of my life, on my own if I have to. In the past I NEVER would have thought of trying to move all the stuff I did yesterday on my own. (On top of the books, I moved all my movies, the movie stand, some kitchen stuff and some clothes.) I would have waited until I could get someone to help me. It's amazing how good it felt to know I could do it myself and that I wasn't dependent on someone else to help.

Back to the bathtub, I am so sore today though!! But it's a good sore; it's a sore that says "hey I accomplished something!!" Now to accomplish some homework....or maybe just relaxing....
♥ Sara

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
-John Wooden

Crazy

Wow, my life has been crazy!! So many changes are going on.

I am working on my overanalyzing problem (which I think comes from the OCD). It's getting on my nerves and I know it's unneccesary and I know a lot of the things I overanalyze and freakout about are just plain ridiculous. I've been trying to stop overanalyzing every single thing in my life for years, and it never worked in the past...but I figure if I can not have a plan and be happy, I can not overanalyze and most likely be even happier! I'm actually doing better with it than I expected. Crazy, I know! (But the rest of my life is even more organized, haha....oh well a clean house is never a bad thing...)

I never thought that I would be willingly moving back into my parents house, let alone be looking forward to it! I have made the over 550 mile round-trip journey from Kalamazoo to my parents house and back every weekend. Well, not every weekend because I spent all of last week up there. I had to get away from here and be around people who supported me and weren't going to treat me like shit. I had no intentions on doing this but it all got to be too much....and now I am paranoid and it drives me nuts. Luckily I only have two face-to-face classes so I only have to be here from Monday at 2 pm to Wednesday at 3:30 pm, so I don't have to be here much and the journey is worth the time I get to spend up there. While I am actually enjoying the drive (most of the time) I am so ready to not have to make it any more! Only 8 more times, at the very most! I start moving my stuff up this weekend, and cleaning out my room(s), it will be nice to not have to live out of a suitcase anymore!
♥ Sara

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, than you don't deserve my best"
-Marilyn Monroe

(I don't know if there is a quote that could better sum me up right now! =) )

Judgement.

After the comments that followed my last posting I seriously considered deleting my blog and being done with it forever. But then I decided that I'm not going to let one asshole ruin my life. Actually I was going to just delete his comment but then Ben and my friends made me feel better about myself and made me realize that he just made himself look like an idiot.

The one big lesson I have learned from this experience is that I will never EVER judge anyone if I don't know the facts. I know in the past I have been guilty of this, but ya know what, never again. I have had so many negative things said to me and even more about me. I really don't know what I would do without my friends, I don't think I could have made it through these last few weeks. While I am happy with my life, the judgment still hurts. As much as I like to think I have a thick skin and nothing bothers me, it does. It really bothers me.

So, if you are reading this and consider yourself a friend or a friendly acquaintance of mine and you want to know something about my life, ask. Don't automatically assume I am devastated, and don't automatically judge me. You don't know what has happened or what is going on in my life. Oh and if you want to talk shit about me, at least do it to my face (or through private messages) with your name on it.

Oh and I wanted to send a shout-out to my lovely ladies who have defended me and been there for me through all of this. And to Dennis, I don't know what I would do without you I couldn't ask for a better friend! And of course to Benjamin, just for being you!! And for putting up with all of this craziness, you are the best!
♥ Sara

"It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things."
- Lawrence G. Lovasik

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."
- Paulo Coelho