Closure.

As those of you who have been known me forever (or have been reading my blog for a while) know, I was engaged once upon a time (March 2008) and I called it off (January 2009) because I wasn't sure that he was right for me. I had a lot of issues to deal with and I didn't want to make a huge mistake. In fact, my first post was explaining this to everyone. And I still hold that there is nothing wrong with him and that he was/is a great guy. Not once in the past year and a half plus have I regretted that decision or wished I would have stuck it out. I know I made the right decision, not only for me, but for him as well.

He started dating one someone a couple weeks after the split and was engaged shortly after our would-have-been wedding date (September 2009) and they set a date for August this year. Last summer, she made him remove me from his life. In all honesty, I don't blame her one bit. I'm not sure how I would handle that situation either. It broke my heart because he was so much to me, even after all romantic feelings were removed. But I supported their relationship and wasn't going to do anything to cause problems for them. I truly did love him (just not in a romantic, I-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you way).

She is still facebook friends with me. So, for the past week I have been watching their wedding pictures come through my newsfeed. Of course, I had to look at some. In doing so, I can say I'm truly happy for him and hope nothing but the very best for him and his wife. On the other hand I can't help but feel a little jealous (as I am with most of my friend's relationships). He was my security blanket and he saved me (I don't really want to go into details about what that means, not here, not now). And I really do miss our friendship.

My jealousy isn't that I want to be with him, not at all. It's that deep down I desire that type of relationship. But then again if you are an avid reader of this blog, you know that. I just hope someday I find it. Maybe one day I'll find the guy that can handle me for the long haul. For now, I'm pretty content. I still hold that I'm not going to jump into anything unless I'm sure it's what I want and therefore the right thing for me.

I figured I would share this with you, seeing as I share nearly every part of my life since that relationship ended here and I feel as though this brings some sort of closure to that small part of the story that is my life.

Song of the Day:

My Wish by Rascal Flatts

[Seems pretty fitting for this post. And therefore I would say it is self-explanatory.]

♥ Sara

"The highest happiness on earth is marriage." -William Lyon Phelps

Reflections.

on my way to my day off. . .

cooler with drinks, steak and salad + wood for a fire + private beach = perfection.

If I was to say my life right now was all I had imagined it would be at any point during the last ten years, I would be lying. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be working a over 100 hours a week and living in Mackinaw, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. Hell, a year ago I was still trying to stay in Kalamazoo!

Now, I'm not saying I hate my life or anything like that. It just makes me think about what could have been and what is to come. This is where my mind tends to wander while I'm at work for at least 15 hours a day.


I'm going to divide my thoughts into separate sections partially for your benefit, but mostly for mine to keep myself from rambling too much. :)

sunset at the end of my parents' road.

Love

I'm sure it shocks everyone (or no one) that this made my list of things to ramble about. I think the longer I am single, the more cynical I become. I don't know how to explain it. In the past, what, 5 or 6 years, this is the longest I have been without a relationship (I know, it's only been like six months. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing.). I find myself thinking critically of other people's relationships and looking back at my past relationships and wondering if love actually exists. I'm not talking about familial love, or friendship love. I know for a fact that they exist, which I will likely write about later in this post.

Maybe it's not so much love that I doubt as it is the idea of a soulmate or one person who is right for me. Maybe it's my doubt in other people that leads me to doubt love in this sense. Maybe it's my doubt in my future. Maybe it's the fact that I have been let down in the past and I'm afraid that it will happen again, or that I will make it happen to another person.

Now, I'm sure I could be in a relationship if I wanted to, but I have decided I will not do so unless I'm 100% sure of it. And I'm not. I have been through too many shitty relationships to get myself in yet another. Plus, right now, I work too many hours a week to even entertain the idea of a relationship with anyone. I get nine hours a day off work. That is barely enough time to sleep, shower and get ready for work. Certainly not enough time to share with another person.

I LOVE roasted marshmallows.

Work

Speaking of work. . . it is my life. I have no time for anything else. I have quit drinking completely (I didn't have a problem, I just don't have the time and it's easier this way.), so going out is rare. I guess that's a good thing though because I don't have time to go out. I have to say it is interesting around here. Between guests, coworkers and random things that happen it's rare that a day goes by without something exciting going on. I think at the end of the season I'll write about my work experience and share some of those things with you. Or maybe I'll video blog about it. :)

I am looking forward to the end of the season though, when work is over. But it's not like I'll be done for good, most likely I will be working for mom this year. Ya'll know I can't stand not doing anything. And now that I have been working this much I can't imagine not doing it. I hope that makes sense.

Starting after Labor Day, whenever we have less than twenty rooms rented, I will have the day off. Pretty much, I will be working only on the weekends after Labor Day. I will still be getting a minimum of 40 hours a week. I'm definitely not upset about that. I will probably be thrilled to have the break by then. :)

the sand between the lake and the stream.

School

I don't think I mentioned it before because I wanted to figure out if I am going, where I am going, when I am going and what I am going for before I brought it up. I have decided that I am fact going. I will be starting my Master's degree through Liberty University August 23. My classes are all online, so I will be able to do it from the comfort of home, er, work. For the first month or so of classes I will still be working. Yes, I am aware that I am insane.

What am I going for, you ask? Well, my heart and my head were torn. It was between a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Master of Business Administration with an emphasis on Accounting.

My heart wanted to go for the MA because it would put me in a better position to help people in my job. If you know me well, you know that I have a strong desire for helping others, and like my love issue, that will be discussed later on. But this field isn't exactly a happening field to be in. Also, marriage and family therapists don't make very much money, especially not in the beginning.

My head wanted to go for the MBA because it would lead to more jobs, and most likely more money. I wanted to have an emphasis on accounting because I know that is something I (somewhat) enjoy and I can then sit for my CPA exam.

I'm sure you can figure out that my head won. I feel that it should have and that I made the right decision. (I'll let you know if I still feel that way in a couple years.) I have to take two undergraduate classes in the fall for prerequisites, then it is graduate classes from then on out. I know my grad classes will be ridiculous, so hopefully work won't be so intensive when I start them. Wish me luck! :)

my parents

Family

I felt like including family in this blog because working here makes me appreciate my family even more than I did before. Believe it or not, I think I miss them more now than I did when I was living in Kalamazoo. When I lived in Kalamazoo I was able to talk to them more often, and I was able to see friends and get out of my apartment. Here, I rarely leave my apartment/work or see people outside of my roommates and a few other employees up here. Thankfully, I have wonderful parents who come up to visit me now and then. Since I started the new schedule, they have promised to come visit once a week or so. I am so happy to hear this. :)

And I promised I would come back to the love thing. My parents are the reason I can say hands down that love does exist. They have been there for me through everything. And by everything, I mean everything. I cannot express here how much I appreciate them and all they have done for me. In fact, it's not even worth trying. I will just say I have amazing parents and even though there are times when I don't agree with them, and there are certainly times they don't agree with me, they are the best.

she hated the lake, but loved the stream. I think she was afraid of the waves.

he, on the other hand, couldn't get enough of the water. :)

Volunteering

I think volunteering is one of the things I miss most about being here. I missed the pregnancy care center even before working up here. Now I miss it even more. Something about being able to help people and knowing that I am making a difference just does something for me. I think I'm going to try to start working at a center up here when I'm done with the season, if I have the time.

If you know me well you know I thrive off of helping others. Hell, here I am referred to as "mom" because I cook and clean and take care of the guys as much as I can. Not because I am expected to or asked to, but because I want to. (But I do appreciate help from them now and then. *hint, hint* :)...)

I also miss firefighting, even though we hadn't had that many fires. I even miss doing maintenance stuff around the station. (Never thought I would say that one!) Last week they had a fire and I got a text message about it. I was so sad that I wasn't home for it. Oh well, soon enough I will be back to the house and able to go fire calls (if we ever get them) and will once again be able to go down to the station and work. Plus I won't have to miss meetings anymore!

I had an meeting for the party committee for the Fireman's Dinner, Dance and Auction last week on my last day off for the season. Yep, that's right, we are really planning ahead this year. I'm excited for February to get here for that. Put it on your calendars and come support us! :)

enjoying my last day off.

Last Day Off.

August 4th was my last day off for the season. I have to say it was pretty amazing. I was able to go home the evening of the 3rd. On my way home I stopped and got my ear pierced again, an industrial this time. Then I went to vote, picked Dad up from home and went to our fire meeting. I was able to get a FULL night's sleep, take care of some things that needed to be taken care of, then spend my entire afternoon/evening at the beach. I loved that my day included sun, Stephen King, steak, s'mores and a swimsuit. :) But now, I'm working every day, 15 hours a day. Oh well, in the end it will be worth it.

the dock I spent my day on.

Song of the Day:

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

[The lyrics are self-explanatory. The more time I spend thinking about my life, the more I feel like my planning is useless because it isn't going to turn out the way I planned anyhow, even though that might not be a bad thing. I'm just kinda along for the ride, seeing where life takes me. I don't feel like this is a negative thing, as long as I have accepted it, and I have. I'm excited to see where I end up in a year, or five, or even better yet, twenty-five. :) ]

♥ Sara

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell