50 Questions to Free My Mind.

[Note: these questions were not all answered the same day. They were answered (not in order either) between November 25, 2010 and December 3, 2010. If I was satisfied with an answer I marked it and left it alone. Some of the answers have been edited repeatedly and some of the answers took a long time and a lot of thinking to come up with. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed answering them. Feel free to leave your comments or message me, as always.
♥ Sara]

These questions have no right or wrong answers. Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

90. (It's a joke, John always makes fun of me and says I'm turning 90 soon because I knit, I like going to bed early, and in general act like a grandma.)
I don't feel like I can answer that question. I have only experienced being 23 and younger and I think that if I was to place a number on how old I feel and/or act, it would be older than that.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying, for sure. I would rather know I tried something and for whatever reason it didn't work out than never trying it and always wondering if I should have.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Money, followed by time. Or at least that's my reasoning.

The main thing I spend my time doing that I don't like is my job. Yes, I love it at times. But honestly, if I never had to worry about money, I would never sit behind the desk of a hotel for a minimum of 40 hours a week.

And a lot of the things I don't do that I would like to is simply because I don't have the money and/or the time. If I didn't have to work that would be a minimum of 40 hours I could spend doing something I would actually like to do. I have cut out some things that I feel "waste my time." For example, that's the main reason I don't have a TV. It's not because I don't *like* watching TV, it's because I feel there are much better things I can be doing with my time.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Hm, that's a tough one. I think I will have said more than I have done.

But I do believe that when all is said and done I will be proud of what I have done and not ashamed in the least of what I said.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

People and the way they treat others.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Currently. . . helping others. If I could get paid a decent wage for the volunteer work I'd like to do, or get a job in my field I would be very content in my employment/financial situation.

Eventually. . . being a wife and mother. Anyone who knows me well knows that's what I long for (there's a reason that I have been called "Mom" by numerous people)! I'm not willing to settle for someone I don't want to be with to get there though. And no, I don't want to get married to be dependent on someone else to provide for me and take care of me. It's quite the opposite actually. I am very independent (although I do like it when someone puts forth the effort to show they care) and love taking care of others. Being and a wife and mother would be the ultimate "take care" position. :)

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I have to say a little bit of both.

My job is certainly settling for what I'm doing. I am *not* doing what I believe in at the hotels, but I am supporting myself.

In my spare time, I try to do what I believe in. . .
There's a reason I'm a firefighter.
There's a reason I'm trying to get back into the pregnancy center.
There's a reason my major was what it was.
That is what I believe in.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I'd worry less about the future and live more in the now.
I wouldn't worry about saving money.
I wouldn't worry about ever buying a house (hell, I'd die before it was paid off at the length of time most mortgages are).
I would live paycheck to paycheck, traveling when I could, donating what I didn't need and just loving what time I have.

Then again, if the average human life span was 40 years, I wouldn't even exist. My parents were 39 and 40 when I was born. That would be the equivalent of a 70+ year old having a kid. Not very likely.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I can't say that I've had 100% control over the course my life has taken. But I have had control over the decisions that I have made that controlled the course my life took. Make sense? Didn't think so. . .

See, there are lots of things that I wish would have went differently, but the decisions I made (large or small) determined the course of my life. And honestly at this point, I'm glad they did. I always say if I could change one thing, it would be that I had a job in my field, but as I sit here writing this. . . I'm glad I don't.

Let me explain one senario. . . had I gotten a job in my field, it likely wouldn't have been in Mackinaw. I likely would have never come to Mackinaw. Had I never come to Mackinaw the likelihood of John and I ever hanging out would have been slim to none. And well, you know how I feel about that. So, in the long run. I'm happy with where my life is. I could have lived without a few hard times, without a few heartbreaks, without losing friends, without losing family members. But then would I be here? I don't think so. . .



I'll take the pain of the past for the happiness of the future.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Ooh! This is a tough one. I am going to have to say I'm more worried about doing the right things.

Doing things right gives me immediate gratification, but even if I have to make mistakes to do the right things, it will be more satisfying in the long run of my life. As far as I am concerned, the long run is really what matters.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

I would defend my friend. I would tell them why their criticism is unjustified. If they don't respect me for doing so, then they are not the kind of people I want to respect or admire. If I had a friend in the same situation I would hope they would do the same thing for me.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Live your life. Savor every moment. Take notes. Take pictures. Never forget what's important. Always be yourself, even when you don't know who you are yet.

Yes, I'm aware that's technically more than one piece of advice, but I could have made it a run on sentence to make it only one. And since I chose to make it more than one thing I'll explain them all.

Live your life: Don't let anyone else control you. That will never make you happy.
Savor every moment: I can think of many times that I was too busy waiting for the future to get here to enjoy the present.
Take notes: Journal. Blog. Keep a diary. Keep a planner. Do something to remind you of even the simplest times. I can't tell you how many times I have used my planner or my blog or one of my journals from when I was younger to distinctly remember something. Or how many times I have randomly read one of the three and stumbled on something awesome that I had forgotten.
Take pictures: You can never have enough pictures of your life. You won't always remember every detail, unfortunately. (And I need to get better about this again.)
Never forget what's important: Always remember your loved ones. Focus on the present, future and the big picture, don't look at life under a microscope.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yes. Absolutely. No doubt in my mind.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

That's my entire life.

I don't even feel the need to explain it further than that.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Ha. Where should I begin?

My closet and drawers are color coded and organized by type of clothes.
I eat pizza (and most other foods) differently than most anyone I know. Unless I'm uncomfortable, then I will eat like others to avoid anyone noticing.
I have a certain routine when I'm getting ready and if for some reason things get out of order I'll forget something or get really frustrated.
I read and study differently than most people.
I do math weird.
I am easily annoyed by lots of things, but have learned to cope with most of them.
I could go on and on. . . I'm an odd duck and I know it.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

No one else is exactly like me. If everyone was the same life would be rather boring.
And there are some things that make me happy that I just wouldn't be willing to share with someone else. :)

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

I can think of so many things. . . all because of either a) money or b) it just hasn't happened.

If I had to choose one thing it would be traveling. My parents aren't big into traveling, so I didn't do it much as a kid or in my teen years, but I've always had the desire to do so. Now, I don't do it because I don't feel I have the money to spend and I don't want to take time off to do so because I don't want to lose my wages for those days.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

For the most part, no, I think I'm pretty good at letting things go.

But I'm also good at dragging them out of my memories at the most inconvenient times. Unfortunately, this can do awful things to my self esteem, my thoughts on myself, my view on the world, my trust in others, my relationships, my friendships, everything.

I think there are some things that you can't completely let go of, sadly. So, the best way to deal with it, at least for me, is to do just that. Deal with it. Make my loved ones aware. Don't be afraid to share my feelings (that's how shit gets destroyed). Don't be afraid to share my pain. Don't be afraid to share my fears. Don't be afraid to cry.

As I say that I also need to include that this is a huge step for me. I am much better at dealing with shit on my own. Bottling up my feelings. Holding in my pain. Pretending I have no fears. And, until recently, I didn't even want to let myself see me cry. I'm working on it.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

I honestly have no idea, simply because I haven't been many places.

I think I would choose somewhere similar to here. I would need snow. I would prefer to live in the country with a city nearby for convenience, but I could easily go without that. Also I would want to be near loved ones. I love having people I care about close to me.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Never. It annoys me.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

I'm going to have to go with a joyful simpleton. I have spent years of my life worrying about one thing or another. I have serious anxiety issues, that I typically deal with in my own ways and most people don't even know about. I would love to not have to worry about shit. Even if that meant losing some of my intelligence.

Plus, I'm not very high maintenance and simpleton just sounds nice to me right now.

22. Why are you, you?

I am me because of the way I was raised, the experiences I have had, the lessons I have learned, the things I was taught, the decisions I have made and the people who have impacted my life.

As you know, I subscribe to the belief that everything, good or bad, happens for reason. I can think of some awful things that I wish would have never happened. But if I take that one incident out of my life, it wouldn't have ended up like this, or maybe it would have, but the chain of incidents that led me to here would be broken and I wouldn't want to take the risk that this isn't where I ended up or who I was in the end. Even the hardest times were blocks in building the me I am today.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yes, I have been, at least to my true friends.
I don't get easily angry at my friends.
I am willing to forgive my true friends for just about anything.
I am always there if they need anything.
I try not to complain about things too much.
I always try to listen more than I talk (maybe that's why I write so much. . .).
I am always honest, even if it's something they don't really want to hear.

I wish I was better at keeping in touch with people though. . . something else to work on.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

When a good friend moves away (or moving away from a good friend).
It's always easier to regain touch with someone who is nearby than it is to keep touch with a friend who is far away. I discovered that when I permanently left Kalamazoo. . .

25. What are you most grateful for?

Life and the people in it! I am most grateful for my family and friends (including the boyfriend). My life wouldn't be what it is without those people.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Lose all my old ones.

I have some awful old memories. And I want to be able to remember my happiness now and the happiness I anticipate in the future. In my mind "lose all my old memories" means that they wouldn't be in my head, but doesn't mean I would lose all my writing or pictures. Most of my happy times are recorded in one or both ways and I could always imagine them.

I would hate to know that no matter what I did I wouldn't be able to remember today. It would definitely change the way I live, and it wouldn't be in a good way.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yes, it is. It's called faith.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Not yet, and I hope it never does.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Yes, I can. I'm not going to explain the situation, because it's a long story that no one really needs to know. No, it doesn't really matter now. The main reason? The people who upset me are no longer in my life, will never be in my life again, and I don't miss them in the least.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

I can't choose just one. . . it's impossible I've decided. But I can list a few.
Every family reunion since I can remember.
Riding with Jason to school.
Father-daughter retreats with Dad.
Parts of mother-daughter retreats with Mom.
Walking to the big rock with Oliver.
Charlie pulling me on the sled.
Swimming.
Bon-fires.
Playing with the neighbor boys.
. . .
I could go on and on. The main factor that makes them so special is family. All of my best memories are times with my family, even doing simple things.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Starting this project. Pretty much in the past month and half or so I have felt very passionate and alive. I am happy. Truly happy. I think that has a lot to do with it. There hasn't been any time that I can think of that I have felt this passionate about my life. Things are finally falling into place for me.

32. If not now, then when?

Never.

There are no guarantees for the future.
There may not be the opportunity tomorrow.
There may not be a tomorrow.
I'm trying to remember this and live every day to it's full potential.

I'm not trying to sound pessimistic. I'm far from pessimistic. Just realistic.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

The opportunity to achieve it.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

When I'm with the right person (or sometimes people) it's like that often.

I feel (and have felt since the beginning) that way with John. We could drive in silence, just listening to the radio, no physical contact, and I would feel so relaxed and just generally satisfied after those times. And no matter how tired I was, I was never ready to go back to the apartment. It's the same way now.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

It's not the religions that cause the wars.

It's the people.

Unfortunately, people don't always adhere to the beliefs of their religion and are often judgmental and intolerant of other religions.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Not in this world, I don't believe it is. I mean there are some things that are obvious, but there are also a lot of things that are very hard/impossible for humans to classify as either good or evil.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

You better believe it!!! Or at least I wouldn't work the shifts I don't want to work.

I would certainly start spending more time doing things I love, things I am passionate about, things that make me feel alive, things that make a difference in this world. I would technically be working, but maybe not working for a wage.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More work that I actually enjoy doing. I don't mind working, as long as I enjoy it. And there's a reason I will take time to volunteer completely free of charge. I enjoy doing it. I know I am making a difference, even if it isn't something that I can see the results of immediately.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Considering that I am working 12 hours today. I have lived this day, but worse a hundred times before. I am so ready for a job that I feel like I am accomplishing more than getting a paycheck and keeping my life afloat.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I honestly don't know. When I think of this, I think of taking a big risk, alone, without a clue, to do something I believe in. And I don't know when the last time I did that was, if ever.

Anything I could think of I wasn't alone, or I wasn't clueless.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

And I was going to live?!? What the hell kind of question is this?
My family, as many of them as I could possibly see.
John.
My best friends.
Wow. I hate that question.
Seriously.
I better be allowed to teleport because I don't want to waste my time driving places.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No way.
I don't care that much about my looks to lose 10 years of my life.
And I have never had a desire to be famous, I wouldn't give up 10 days of my life to be famous.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Everyone who is breathing is alive.
Not everyone who is breathing is truly living.

Truly living involves doing something with your life.
Being alive involves breathing.
Truly living involves being passionate about your life.
Being alive involves a routine that keeps your body functioning.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

Now.
For all we know, there may be no tomorrow.
And if there is a tomorrow, the opportunity may not be there.
This question is being answered at a very ironic time for me. . . ya'll will understand later. . . but not now.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Obviously from my perspective. . .
I hate being wrong.
I hate the feeling that I did something wrong.
I hate the sadness that some mistakes brings.
I hate having other people feel bad because of my mistakes.
I hate it when other people point out my mistakes.
I hate the realization that I shouldn't have done or said what I did.

So, even though I learn from my mistakes, I'd rather not have to make them. I can learn from other people's mistakes. I can learn what works when it works. :)

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I'm not sure that there is anything that I would do differently.
I tend to live for myself and myself alone (obviously with consideration for other people's feelings).
I tend to not care what people think about me.
I tend to let people say what they want.
I tend to live as though no one is judging me.
There are very few people in this world who I care what they think. And frankly, I believe their thoughts (or judgments, if you will) tend to keep my head on straight. There's a reason that there is a very short list of people that I ask opinions of before I do something major (not that I always do what they say, but I always listen to what they have to say and consider it).

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Maybe the last time I ran and was out of breath.

I know this is weird but I *hate* hearing breathing. . . it annoys me to no end. My breathing doesn't make a sound (except maybe when I'm sleeping and breathing hard). The only exception is sleeping breathing. I don't mind the sound of other people breathing when they are sleeping, but there's something about hearing people breathing in general that drives me crazy.

I know, I have issues.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

My life.
I think so, I think that the people I love know that I love them.
I am learning to do the things I love more often.
I do my best to express my love to people every opportunity I have.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

I will. And if I don't, I have a handy dandy blog, planner, or mystery notebook to look at to tell me what I did. I have found that blogging my life is one of the best ideas I have ever had and am regretting that I fell away from it this summer. Be ready to be overwhelmed with blogs!! :D

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Haha! If you know me well, you know I *hate* making some decisions. And I think I'm getting worse instead of better with it. Hell, last night John told me he was going to Arby's and offered to pick up dinner for me. I made *him* decide what *I* was eating.


As far as the important decisions in my life, I make them for myself. I had a hard time doing that for a while. I am always so scared of hurting other people and I knew whatever decisions I made, someone was going to suffer. Also, I was refraining from making decisions until I was certain of what I wanted and serious about it. I didn't want to unnecessarily hurt anyone, nor did I want to jump into something and end up hurt myself or hurting someone else.


I am now 100% content in the decisions I am making.