Thought Questions

As promised, I'm sharing another site I stumbled upon today. I intend on doing this more often than I have been. Maybe once my life calms back down. :)

Thought Questions is the new site I found. After finishing my 50 Questions to free my mind, I realized how much I enjoyed answering them, if not for your benefit, for mine. Now this site has 285 questions at this time and adds a new one daily. I am thinking this will be something I do off-the-blog, but share when I feel it's something worth sharing or really important to me.

Looks like I need another notebook! I currently carry one for my personal thoughts that I don't feel like sharing here or that I am not near a computer to write, a planner for 2010, a planner for 2011 and a notebook for lists and quotes. Geez, maybe I write too much. ;)

I just really enjoy deep thinking, reflection and self examination. I always have.

And lately I *love* writing. I guess I always have done that too. But now I almost crave writing. . . so this seems like an opportunity to do both of those for my own benefit. :)
♥ Sara

"If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a
new one, check your pulse. You may be dead."
-Gelett Burgess

Reflections.

on my way to my day off. . .

cooler with drinks, steak and salad + wood for a fire + private beach = perfection.

If I was to say my life right now was all I had imagined it would be at any point during the last ten years, I would be lying. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be working a over 100 hours a week and living in Mackinaw, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. Hell, a year ago I was still trying to stay in Kalamazoo!

Now, I'm not saying I hate my life or anything like that. It just makes me think about what could have been and what is to come. This is where my mind tends to wander while I'm at work for at least 15 hours a day.


I'm going to divide my thoughts into separate sections partially for your benefit, but mostly for mine to keep myself from rambling too much. :)

sunset at the end of my parents' road.

Love

I'm sure it shocks everyone (or no one) that this made my list of things to ramble about. I think the longer I am single, the more cynical I become. I don't know how to explain it. In the past, what, 5 or 6 years, this is the longest I have been without a relationship (I know, it's only been like six months. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing.). I find myself thinking critically of other people's relationships and looking back at my past relationships and wondering if love actually exists. I'm not talking about familial love, or friendship love. I know for a fact that they exist, which I will likely write about later in this post.

Maybe it's not so much love that I doubt as it is the idea of a soulmate or one person who is right for me. Maybe it's my doubt in other people that leads me to doubt love in this sense. Maybe it's my doubt in my future. Maybe it's the fact that I have been let down in the past and I'm afraid that it will happen again, or that I will make it happen to another person.

Now, I'm sure I could be in a relationship if I wanted to, but I have decided I will not do so unless I'm 100% sure of it. And I'm not. I have been through too many shitty relationships to get myself in yet another. Plus, right now, I work too many hours a week to even entertain the idea of a relationship with anyone. I get nine hours a day off work. That is barely enough time to sleep, shower and get ready for work. Certainly not enough time to share with another person.

I LOVE roasted marshmallows.

Work

Speaking of work. . . it is my life. I have no time for anything else. I have quit drinking completely (I didn't have a problem, I just don't have the time and it's easier this way.), so going out is rare. I guess that's a good thing though because I don't have time to go out. I have to say it is interesting around here. Between guests, coworkers and random things that happen it's rare that a day goes by without something exciting going on. I think at the end of the season I'll write about my work experience and share some of those things with you. Or maybe I'll video blog about it. :)

I am looking forward to the end of the season though, when work is over. But it's not like I'll be done for good, most likely I will be working for mom this year. Ya'll know I can't stand not doing anything. And now that I have been working this much I can't imagine not doing it. I hope that makes sense.

Starting after Labor Day, whenever we have less than twenty rooms rented, I will have the day off. Pretty much, I will be working only on the weekends after Labor Day. I will still be getting a minimum of 40 hours a week. I'm definitely not upset about that. I will probably be thrilled to have the break by then. :)

the sand between the lake and the stream.

School

I don't think I mentioned it before because I wanted to figure out if I am going, where I am going, when I am going and what I am going for before I brought it up. I have decided that I am fact going. I will be starting my Master's degree through Liberty University August 23. My classes are all online, so I will be able to do it from the comfort of home, er, work. For the first month or so of classes I will still be working. Yes, I am aware that I am insane.

What am I going for, you ask? Well, my heart and my head were torn. It was between a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Master of Business Administration with an emphasis on Accounting.

My heart wanted to go for the MA because it would put me in a better position to help people in my job. If you know me well, you know that I have a strong desire for helping others, and like my love issue, that will be discussed later on. But this field isn't exactly a happening field to be in. Also, marriage and family therapists don't make very much money, especially not in the beginning.

My head wanted to go for the MBA because it would lead to more jobs, and most likely more money. I wanted to have an emphasis on accounting because I know that is something I (somewhat) enjoy and I can then sit for my CPA exam.

I'm sure you can figure out that my head won. I feel that it should have and that I made the right decision. (I'll let you know if I still feel that way in a couple years.) I have to take two undergraduate classes in the fall for prerequisites, then it is graduate classes from then on out. I know my grad classes will be ridiculous, so hopefully work won't be so intensive when I start them. Wish me luck! :)

my parents

Family

I felt like including family in this blog because working here makes me appreciate my family even more than I did before. Believe it or not, I think I miss them more now than I did when I was living in Kalamazoo. When I lived in Kalamazoo I was able to talk to them more often, and I was able to see friends and get out of my apartment. Here, I rarely leave my apartment/work or see people outside of my roommates and a few other employees up here. Thankfully, I have wonderful parents who come up to visit me now and then. Since I started the new schedule, they have promised to come visit once a week or so. I am so happy to hear this. :)

And I promised I would come back to the love thing. My parents are the reason I can say hands down that love does exist. They have been there for me through everything. And by everything, I mean everything. I cannot express here how much I appreciate them and all they have done for me. In fact, it's not even worth trying. I will just say I have amazing parents and even though there are times when I don't agree with them, and there are certainly times they don't agree with me, they are the best.

she hated the lake, but loved the stream. I think she was afraid of the waves.

he, on the other hand, couldn't get enough of the water. :)

Volunteering

I think volunteering is one of the things I miss most about being here. I missed the pregnancy care center even before working up here. Now I miss it even more. Something about being able to help people and knowing that I am making a difference just does something for me. I think I'm going to try to start working at a center up here when I'm done with the season, if I have the time.

If you know me well you know I thrive off of helping others. Hell, here I am referred to as "mom" because I cook and clean and take care of the guys as much as I can. Not because I am expected to or asked to, but because I want to. (But I do appreciate help from them now and then. *hint, hint* :)...)

I also miss firefighting, even though we hadn't had that many fires. I even miss doing maintenance stuff around the station. (Never thought I would say that one!) Last week they had a fire and I got a text message about it. I was so sad that I wasn't home for it. Oh well, soon enough I will be back to the house and able to go fire calls (if we ever get them) and will once again be able to go down to the station and work. Plus I won't have to miss meetings anymore!

I had an meeting for the party committee for the Fireman's Dinner, Dance and Auction last week on my last day off for the season. Yep, that's right, we are really planning ahead this year. I'm excited for February to get here for that. Put it on your calendars and come support us! :)

enjoying my last day off.

Last Day Off.

August 4th was my last day off for the season. I have to say it was pretty amazing. I was able to go home the evening of the 3rd. On my way home I stopped and got my ear pierced again, an industrial this time. Then I went to vote, picked Dad up from home and went to our fire meeting. I was able to get a FULL night's sleep, take care of some things that needed to be taken care of, then spend my entire afternoon/evening at the beach. I loved that my day included sun, Stephen King, steak, s'mores and a swimsuit. :) But now, I'm working every day, 15 hours a day. Oh well, in the end it will be worth it.

the dock I spent my day on.

Song of the Day:

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

[The lyrics are self-explanatory. The more time I spend thinking about my life, the more I feel like my planning is useless because it isn't going to turn out the way I planned anyhow, even though that might not be a bad thing. I'm just kinda along for the ride, seeing where life takes me. I don't feel like this is a negative thing, as long as I have accepted it, and I have. I'm excited to see where I end up in a year, or five, or even better yet, twenty-five. :) ]

♥ Sara

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell

Rumors. . .

Hi, my name is Sara and I love it when rumors are spread about me!

*NOT!*

Actually, most of the time I simply don't mind I let it roll off my back and continue on with my life, but when rumors about me screw up relationships (whether they are friendships or something more than friendships) then I am furious. Recently there have been two types of rumors spread about me and these rumors have affected friendships.

The first is the type of rumor that has some truth to it, but in which assumptions are made and accusations are laid out that change something innocent into something not so innocent. The second type is one that is 100% false and has no reality to it. Now, the first one isn't a huge deal if questions are asked and explanations are allowed. The second, on the other hand, is. I don't know, there is just something about making a story up that is entirely false that makes you a complete scumbag. Period. End of story. Yes, you, Sir Rumor Spreader, are a scumbag.

Now, what is even worse than that is when said rumors can also affect someone else's life and relationships. In this case, if the rumors were to go beyond the handful of people that currently know, that could happen. I hope for the sake of the rumor starters and for the sake of the other people being talked about that it doesn't happen. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

-------------------------------

This was written on the date shown for posting. Now, two days later, I have had more time to think and have come to a few realizations.

1. The rumor starter/spreader is in fact a scumbag. I am counting on karma to get him on this one. . . . for now. That is until I come up with a better solution. And if you know me, you know I will. No, no talking to other people will be done. I will deal with this head on . . . isn't that how I always handle my problems?

2. If you don't trust me enough to believe my side of the story, well I don't need you in my life anyhow, especially if there is no concrete evidence to the story you were told. I try damn hard not to lie and not to do things that would put me in a sticky situation. So if someone were to ask me straight up if I did something I would tell them. They might not like the answer, but I would give it to them anyhow.

3. I don't miss the person that I had written this about initially, but I am still pissed that these rumors are still being discussed, and I know they are. I guess one way to look at it is: if they are talking about me they are leaving someone who can't handle it alone.

Well, I think that is all I have to say about this for now, and I know I have other blogs waiting to be finished and posted so I will be doing that soon!

Song of the Day:

Rumors by Lindsay Lohan

[I had no clue she sang this song. . . but I thought it was fitting for the blog. That's all I really have to say about it. :) ]

♥ Sara

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, I'm already better than them." -Marilyn Monroe

Pain and Forgiveness.

Ok, I have some stuff to put in here that I didn't have a spot to write about in any of the days and I think it deserves it's own post. I don't think it's a secret any more (and I think it was only a secret because they were hiding it from me) so I'm going to talk candidly about what happened that I was upset about before. Justin and Katie (which unless you are new to this blog you know that they are my ex and my best friend, and that best friend is an understatement) are dating. It was supposedly called off after I found out and flipped out (mainly because they lied to me), well they lied to me again about it.

But. . . .

Contrary to my "dealing with it" mechanisms in the past (and I'm not just talking the past month, or the past year, or the past five years, I'm talking about my entire life) decided to. . . .to. . . um. . . . try to get over it. . . . forgive them. . . deal with their relationship. . . . try to be friends with Justin. . . . try not to lose Katie . . . . I'm really not sure how to put it?

In the past short period of time, I have realized hiding pain behind a hardass, bitchy exterior isn't going to get me anywhere but in more pain. And part of this has to do with the two of them, part of it has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is my carbon copy and that makes me realize a lot about myself. (Don't be alarmed, everything is great between us.) So, I decided that my pain will show, even if that means tears will show. (If you know me well, you know I hate crying in front of anyone, no matter how important you are to me. I have issues with the idea that someone sees me as weak.)

So, in a second bold, brave, scary, heart-wrenching, stomach-in-throat move, I decided to send the two of them a message letting them know that I know, that I'm not mad, but I am incredibly hurt. Heartbroken doesn't begin to cover it. Devastated doesn't touch it.

Because they are dating? Well, I'm not going to lie, it rubs me the wrong way. Actually it shouldn't bother me at all. . . I have been calling this for at least 6 months. AT LEAST. I can think of 8 separate occasions where it was something that was discussed (that if Justin and I ever split that him and Katie would date). They both told me not in a million years. Well, for the record, once my wounds are healed, the two of you can expect a lot of razzing from me about your relationship and the fact that I was right! :P

Because they lied to me not only once but multiple times? Absolutely. It kills me that the two of them didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth, I do *kinda* understand why. I can be kinda scary. . . but they are 290 miles away, it's not like I could actually hurt them.

Back to the message. . . I told them I was hurt. I told them how I felt. I told them how it affected me. Here is a small portion of the letter. . . because I like what I said and want to share it.

I feel like I have lost so much in the last month, yet on the other hand I have gained a lot. [. . .] But I still believe that everything happens for a reason and I can say with 100% certainty that no matter the reason you (Justin) and I split it was the right thing and I know I am in a better place because of it. I honestly hope you are too. I have yet to understand the reason I had to lose you, Katie, or lose both of you as friends. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to understand that.

In the past month, I have realized so much. I have realized that I trust too easily and that I am good at setting myself up to get hurt.

I have realized that you, Justin, are not, and never were, the right person for me. On the positive side, I learned a lot from our relationship and that has made me a better person.

I have realized that I need friends who have the balls to tell me the truth, no matter how upset I may be.

I have realized that I am incredibly lucky to have found the people I found up here. I don't know how I would have made it through this without them. If you two ever talked to me you would understand what I mean by that.

I guess I really don't know what to say from here. I feel like I'm the only one of the three of us trying to salvage any sort of friendship, even though I feel like I should be the one cutting all ties and telling you both to eff off.

So, respond or not, your choice, just know that there's no reason to hide shit from me anymore.

I hope you two are happy together and that this works out for you. (There is absolutely no sarcasm in there whatsoever.)

I cannot describe how hard it was for me to send that letter. You can't begin to understand how much I love Katie. When Justin and I were together it was a running joke that if I ever had to choose one of them it would be Katie, hands down. That wasn't really a joke. Would I like to maintain a friendship with Justin? Yes. But that isn't my top priority. I don't want to lose the girl that I have turned to with every little thing you can imagine for the past year.

But this story seems to have a happy ending, for now. . . .and I hope it only gets happier from here.

Right after I sent that Justin and I spent three hours talking about stuff. Am I happy about everything we talked about? No. If I knew he was going to treat her right and try his damnedest not to hurt her would I support their relationship? I would try with everything I have. The best part of the conversation was when I didn't yell at him when he was expecting it. It really isn't worth it. I'm not angry. I'm not pissed. I don't want to hurt either of them. So, by the end of the conversation, Justin and I were good (at least in my eyes, I can't speak for him).

That night Katie tried to call me and I had my phone off from class so we didn't get to talk until the next day. Our conversation went well as well. She might actually come visit me next month, which would be great!! :) I really don't want to lose her.

Another reason I decided to do this is I am happy, minus this situation. There's no reason I should let any guy, no matter who he is, come between my best friend and I. But I do need her to be honest with me, and she knows this.

Now you know most of the story. There are some things that I left out to make this a bearable read, but they were minor details. The moral of the story: yes, I will still have some trust issues, but I think they can be repaired. I forgive them for lying to me. If they decide to have a serious relationship, I will support them. If he hurts her, there's a good chance I might hurt him. (Consider yourself warned, Justin, you know how much I love that woman. :P ) In the end, I hope that Justin and I can be friends and that Katie and I's friendship isn't altered much, if at all.

Plus. . . I didn't want to have to cut my ankle off. . . I have a contract, ya know?!? ;)

"Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule."
-Lewis B. Smedes

Too Late.

Thursday was just an awful day for me. There was only one thing that actually went wrong, but it's not something I feel comfortable putting on here as it involves another person who I know wouldn't want it on here. I will say that I think I may have lost one of my best friends. (And as you can see I'm writing this almost a week later and still haven't heard from him, so I'm having a rough time handling that.) But back to my day.

I got up and got ready to go to town as I needed some stuff to make dinner, a clothesline, and some stuff for painting. I had to wait for mom to get ready because she needed to go in and pick up her car. While I was waiting, Grandpa dropped off Jeremiah, so we took him to town with us. I dropped Mom and Jeremiah off at the car place. They went home and I went to the store.

When I got home I strung the clothesline and hung up the clothes. I don't mind hanging clothes but by the time I got around to doing it there were three loads waiting for me! Once the clothes were on the line I started dinner. I made a veggie pizza and pistachio salad. While I was working on that was my day went to hell. I have edited and re-edited this post in an attempt to try to decide what I want to say and how I want to word it. No I'm not going into details, no I'm not mentioning names. But I am going to say a few things about it.

1. If someone tells you they are interested in a relationship with you and you tell her that you aren't interested and don't see yourself being interested, tell her to move on, and can list off a good 10 excuses as to why. Don't expect said person to wait around for your dumb ass forever.

2. When said person gets into a relationship and it is obvious that she is head over heels for her significant other, now is not the time to tell her you want to be with her.

3. Once she tells you she doesn't want any more than a friendship with you, don't keep bringing it up. Your excuses are no longer necessary. They just don't matter anymore, your time has passed. You are too late. Beating a dead horse will do nothing but piss her off.

4. Saying "I don't want to ruin our friendship but. . . " simply means that you don't want to lose that person as a friend yet you want to make things completely impossible for her. Sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.

5. If you really have feelings for said person you would respect her wishes and be happy that she is happy rather than continuing to beat said dead horse. Oh and saying that you don't want to cause problems, and that you are happy she is happy, yet continuing to do what you have been doing doesn't make it all better. And I've always said actions speak louder than words, or in this case the most words win.

6. It's hard to believe you really have feelings for someone when you don't care to learn anything about what is going on in her life. Referring to her significant other as "the boyfriend" only, just pisses her off. She has a boyfriend yes, but he has a name, use it now and then. And finding out a little bit about the guy might be a good idea if you want her to think that you are actually interested in her life.

Ah, can you tell I'm irritated? Mind you I am writing this 6 days later and I have even more to say than I said here, but this is plenty. Oh well, there's nothing more that I am willing to do, so I guess what's done is done and life will go on. Oh, and you know who you are. . . I hope you read this, since my thought and feelings don't seem to actually matter to you. And I can honestly say that because all I have heard for the past three weeks plus is what you think, what you thought, why you did what you did, why you are doing this to me now, etc. You know little to nothing about what has happened in my life in the last month or so. It would be nice if you at least pretended to care.

In many ways I hope we move past this and can be friends again, but I don't see that happening due to what you have put me through in the past three weeks. And in some ways I don't want it to happen because I don't want to subject myself to this continual emotional rollercoaster with you. There is no chance I would give up Justin for the world, but having you bring this up repeatedly does upset me. It's unnecessary drama and I have had it. Plus, I'm not convinced this isn't simply an "I want what I can't have" issue. Oh and don't worry, very few people would be able to figure out who you are.

After dinner was done we ate, and I went back to work on my fourth wall. I got most of it done, needing just one more coat on part of it. And I talked to Justin. :) You have no idea how necessary that was after the evening I had. His reassurance calmed me down. I talked to him and worked on my walls until I went to bed.

Here are the pictures:

Day 144:

my underwear were hanging out for the world to see so I figured I would put it on here for the world to REALLY see. haha.

Day 144:

outside.

♥ Sara

Random Fact of the Day:

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

"One day you are going to wake up and realize how much you truly love her and when that day comes you will be too late, she will be waking up next to the guy who already knows. . . ."

-Author Unknown

(I know, I hate anonymous quotes, but this one couldn't be more perfect.)

Liars.

OK, I'm doing something completely out of the ordinary. There will be two posts today. I have stuff I want to get off my chest and I don't want to bog down my 365 post with it. Plus I know my post tonight will be fun, whereas this one is serious.

I'm getting more fired up as I do more research and see more (or the lack there of). Girls, don't write what it is exactly on here. If he reads it, he will know who I am talking about without names being mentioned.

Pretty much what I have to say is don't fucking lie to me. Seriously! The worst thing someone could do to me is lie, especially when the truth will obviously come out.

I have been dealing with this for a bit now and I decided it wasn't going to bother me. But it is for some reason. It's the fact that I was lied to without reason. I would have understood the truth. I get it. I totally get it. And I'm happier because of what happened. But I CAN NOT stand being lied to and it makes me so mad that someone who I thought cared about me and who I thought I would be friends with for life (not necessarily close, but friends), would lie to me for no damn reason. I mean maybe he thought his stupid lie would bother me less than the truth. But he should have known the truth would come out and it did that I would be pissed. It's a million times worse than telling the truth ever could have been and I could easily chew his ass and write him out of my life forever without a second thought. And maybe eventually I will let this build to the point that I have to be confrontational because I will need to get it off my chest, then again maybe writing this will be enough.

I try not to slip names in when it's a bad thing, but in this case it is quite difficult. I want to call him out for the lying asshole he is in the worst way. Oh well.

Ok, I'm done ranting. Back to my prep for Katie's 21st tonight!!!!!!!!!!!! =) So excited for that!!
♥ Sara

"Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby."
-George Herbert

Judgement.

After the comments that followed my last posting I seriously considered deleting my blog and being done with it forever. But then I decided that I'm not going to let one asshole ruin my life. Actually I was going to just delete his comment but then Ben and my friends made me feel better about myself and made me realize that he just made himself look like an idiot.

The one big lesson I have learned from this experience is that I will never EVER judge anyone if I don't know the facts. I know in the past I have been guilty of this, but ya know what, never again. I have had so many negative things said to me and even more about me. I really don't know what I would do without my friends, I don't think I could have made it through these last few weeks. While I am happy with my life, the judgment still hurts. As much as I like to think I have a thick skin and nothing bothers me, it does. It really bothers me.

So, if you are reading this and consider yourself a friend or a friendly acquaintance of mine and you want to know something about my life, ask. Don't automatically assume I am devastated, and don't automatically judge me. You don't know what has happened or what is going on in my life. Oh and if you want to talk shit about me, at least do it to my face (or through private messages) with your name on it.

Oh and I wanted to send a shout-out to my lovely ladies who have defended me and been there for me through all of this. And to Dennis, I don't know what I would do without you I couldn't ask for a better friend! And of course to Benjamin, just for being you!! And for putting up with all of this craziness, you are the best!
♥ Sara

"It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things."
- Lawrence G. Lovasik

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."
- Paulo Coelho