Goodbyes.

Have I told you that I hate goodbyes?
Have I told you that I hate sad endings?
Have I told you that I hate having my heartbroken?
Have I told you that I hate crying?

All of the above are true. Yet all of them have happened far too often in my life, and especially since this blog was started. Now this one I saw coming for a long time (read: the past six weeks). And somehow I kept the entire situation out of my blog. . .maybe because I fell off the face of the earth for it. . . maybe because I didn't know what to write, how to say it, or even what to say.

Now, I'm not going into details on this one, because, well I don't feel like it right now.
I had fun.
I felt comfortable.
I trusted.
I fell hard.
I've hurt for weeks.
I've cried my tears.
I've come to terms.
I've said my goodbyes.

Instead of detailing the situation, I'm more interested in writing what I've learned, not just from him, but from every failed relationship (or not relationship) I've had. And mind you, there's more than one point for each one. . . fortunately, I seem to learn more than one lesson per relationship. If you are an expert on my life, you will probably be able to put a name with each point.

If you're in a long distance relationship and he disappears for a long time, then acts weird, it's because something [bad] is up.
If he cheats on you, dates her and then comes back to you, he'll leave you again, quite possibly for her.
If he allows his family to treat you like shit, he'll probably join the ranks soon.
If he seems like a possesive scum bag, he probably is.
If he ever acts violent towards you, it's likely not a one time occurance and will quite possibly get much worse, never better.
If he sabotages your friendships, think about why he would do that.
If he threatens to leave you, tell him to follow through.
If it's a long distance relationship and you don't want to see him, here's your sign.
If things are moving too fast for you, say something.
If he says he would choose a hobby over you, remember you deserve better.
If he says all he wants is to get married and have kids, that's really all he wants, it doesn't matter who it's with.
If you can't get him out of your head, there's a reason.
If it's a long distance relationship and he doesn't want to see you, here's your sign again.
If it appears he is into someone else more than you, he probably is. Don't be surprised when he starts dating her.
If he can't stop talking about his ex and how in love with her he was, he still is and nothing you can do can change that.
If you fight *all* the time, it's never going to work.
If you can date other guys and not speak to him for weeks, he's just not right for you, no matter how great he is.
If he's unwilling to commit to you, he never will be, don't waste your time.
If he promises to call and never does, you just aren't important, find someone who thinks you are.
If he treats you differently while drinking, he needs to choose, you or alcohol.
If he promises to change the way he treats you, hold him to it.
If you have promised yourself to never hand out second, third, fourth, or fifth chances, remember why.
If he treats you like shit, move on. . . there is someone out there who will treat you better.

I could write more. . .but there are some things I am unwililng to share about my life. (I know, it's a shocker.) I have contemplated writing an anonymous blog where I would feel comfortable sharing *everything*. . . . maybe someday. But not today. I still love this one. :)

So, here we go again. Moving on. Picking myself up off the ground. I've been down for a while this time though. Today is more of a relief than a sadness. And it's certainly not a shocker. And you better believe that I'll be doing something . . . something . . . new? with my life here soon. By my life. . . I mean my life/blog. Yes, I have a plan, you will see either tonight or tomorrow. That's a promise.

Song of the Day:
White Horse by Taylor Swift
[Self explanitory. :) ]

my ring, with a little bit of editing ;)

The real pic is on facebook.

♥ Sara

At the end of the day, it's about weather YOU like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn't working.. to recognize that it wasn't giving you what you needed and deserved.

So many of us find ourselves saying "BUT HE WAS SO GREAT!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.
-Above 2: It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're
trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.
-He's Just Not That Into You (the book)

Rumors. . .

Hi, my name is Sara and I love it when rumors are spread about me!

*NOT!*

Actually, most of the time I simply don't mind I let it roll off my back and continue on with my life, but when rumors about me screw up relationships (whether they are friendships or something more than friendships) then I am furious. Recently there have been two types of rumors spread about me and these rumors have affected friendships.

The first is the type of rumor that has some truth to it, but in which assumptions are made and accusations are laid out that change something innocent into something not so innocent. The second type is one that is 100% false and has no reality to it. Now, the first one isn't a huge deal if questions are asked and explanations are allowed. The second, on the other hand, is. I don't know, there is just something about making a story up that is entirely false that makes you a complete scumbag. Period. End of story. Yes, you, Sir Rumor Spreader, are a scumbag.

Now, what is even worse than that is when said rumors can also affect someone else's life and relationships. In this case, if the rumors were to go beyond the handful of people that currently know, that could happen. I hope for the sake of the rumor starters and for the sake of the other people being talked about that it doesn't happen. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

-------------------------------

This was written on the date shown for posting. Now, two days later, I have had more time to think and have come to a few realizations.

1. The rumor starter/spreader is in fact a scumbag. I am counting on karma to get him on this one. . . . for now. That is until I come up with a better solution. And if you know me, you know I will. No, no talking to other people will be done. I will deal with this head on . . . isn't that how I always handle my problems?

2. If you don't trust me enough to believe my side of the story, well I don't need you in my life anyhow, especially if there is no concrete evidence to the story you were told. I try damn hard not to lie and not to do things that would put me in a sticky situation. So if someone were to ask me straight up if I did something I would tell them. They might not like the answer, but I would give it to them anyhow.

3. I don't miss the person that I had written this about initially, but I am still pissed that these rumors are still being discussed, and I know they are. I guess one way to look at it is: if they are talking about me they are leaving someone who can't handle it alone.

Well, I think that is all I have to say about this for now, and I know I have other blogs waiting to be finished and posted so I will be doing that soon!

Song of the Day:

Rumors by Lindsay Lohan

[I had no clue she sang this song. . . but I thought it was fitting for the blog. That's all I really have to say about it. :) ]

♥ Sara

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, I'm already better than them." -Marilyn Monroe

#117 - Completed.

117. go out to eat alone.

Disclaimer: I have no idea how this blog got to be this long! So I will be subtitling it so you can skip parts you don't care about if you want! :)

Wednesday Thru Sunday.

So this couple days off thing might be rather beneficial for my blogging! I worked Wednesday thru Saturday like I had said. Then Saturday night I went out for a couple hours before heading home for the night. When I got home I crashed. I spent most of the day yesterday sleeping.

When I wasn't sleeping yesterday, I was figuring out my returns/exchanges for some clothes I ordered, eating strawberries and sugar with dad and hanging out with the kids. For as long as I can remember strawberries have been my favorite fruit. Ever. And Dad would often buy (and still does) pints of strawberries and we would (and still do) sit and eat them together while dipping them in the sugar bowl. Have you ever dipped strawberries in a sugar bowl? It makes a strawberry-sugar mess. Mom *loves* it when we do that. I swear one day I will buy her her own sugar bowl! :)

strawberry in the sugar bowl. :)

Jeremiah and Shianne were here for the day, I spent an hour or so hanging out with them in the hot tub. Yes, the hot tub when it was like 70 degrees outside, we didn't have it very hot. But it was fun, those kids are getting so big! I always said I would never say that. . . I still refuse to say it directly to kids, but those two make me feel old. Seriously.

Anyhow, after they went home, I took a nap, then watched a movie, then went to bed. I don't know what my deal is but I have been SO tired lately.

this fly was amazing to photograph. he let me take like 10 pictures of him.

Doctor's Visit.

Today I had to get up early to go to the doctor. When I went to see my family doctor about having my mole removed I reminded him that it's time for another biopsy of my esophagus. Well the doctor who did it before has since left the area so he had to find a new doctor for me. She is a gastroenterologist out of Petoskey and I actually liked her. She didn't give me any bullshit or tell me that the diagnosis couldn't be possible and she was very straightforward about what it means. Finally. Let's see if she keeps it up . . . I have my biopsy Tuesday then will be seeing her again shortly thereafter to go over my results.

For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Barrett's Esophagus, a condition that can lead to esophageal cancer, four years ago now. I went through three biopsies over a year and discussion of surgery then, but they opted out of doing the surgery and decided to just take care of my gallbladder at that time. So, I was told that in three years I would need to have another biopsy done. Well, I passed the three year mark by a couple of months now, I've kinda been putting it off. Something about going through a bunch of medical procedures drives me nuts. Of course, this will be my third biopsy in less than two months. Woo. Freaking. Hoo. Wish me luck, and I'm sure I'll have an interesting story after it. I tend to do crazy things when I'm sedated. And if any of you are interested in the procedure I will be going through it is called an esophagogastroduodenoscopy, also known as either an EGD or upper endoscopy. And here is a link to the site that I found to be most informative about it.

mom's ladyslippers are out.

Shopping.

When I got done at the doctor's office I decided to go shopping because I really wanted a white shirt for work. I ended up getting a couple shirts and an awesome pair of boots at the first store I went to and a couple of shirts, a few pairs of nylons and a few skirts for work at the second one. I went shopping at the right time! Everything I bought was on a major sale and I saved like 150% of what I spent. Score! And I have no buyer's remorse. My way of looking at it was that I have to go back to Petoskey Tuesday for the biopsy so I have a week to decide if I want to keep it all. . . Looks like I do. :) Who would have thought that shopping for work clothes would put me in such a good mood, especially when I don't feel content with my body at this time? (If you know me well you know that the days I feel content with my body are few and far between. . . ) In all honesty, I love that I have to get dressed up for work.

you know how I feel about dandelions! :D

Completing a Bucket List Item.

After shopping I was STARVING. I was going to pick something up from BAB for lunch. But then I remembered my bucket list and decided to knock off one of the items since it has been so neglected lately. So I decided to go into BAB and eat. It really wasn't bad at all. In fact, I think I actually enjoyed the time to myself.

self-portrait action shot.

Independence and Relationships.

I've always thought of myself as one of those people who needed someone with me, but I think I have changed a lot in regards to that in the past year and a half or so. I lived alone in Kalamazoo for a few months and didn't really even talk to many people outside of school, work and meetings. For the past few months, I have done pretty much everything by myself. Hell, I even go to the bar alone. (There will always be people I know there, but I drive there alone, go in alone, and go home alone.) It seems as though I have been realizing just how much I don't need other people. I mean. . .I am a people person, I need people in my life, don't get me wrong. But I'm not so much dependent on other people to do things or for my happiness, er, rather, to feel content.

I loved photographing this caterpillar, even though he wouldn't remain still. At all.

Never have I been so comfortable without a committed relationship in my life. I don't know, maybe my mind will change on that at some point. But not now. It is rather ironic to me that I feel that way now. I remember when someone close to me that he just had no desire for a relationship, that he was happier single and I thought he was freaking crazy. (Ya'll should know who I am talking about if you are an avid blog reader, or at least if you have been around since the beginning.) Now, I understand. I know part of it is that I have been hurt so many times in the past, and I really am that guarded now. Another part is that I now absolutely refuse to be in a relationship with someone until I feel absolutely certain that it is what I want. Plus, I love that I can talk to whoever I want, act how I want, dress how I want, eat what I want, exercise when I feel like it (or not! ;) ), and just do whatever I want whenever I want to without having to answer to anyone or explain what I'm doing and my reasoning for doing it. I feel so. . .. liberated.

Now, I know what happens every single time I go on a tangent like this. . . so yeah, we'll see if it happens this time! And no, I'm not hoping it will. But I'm also not going to pass up something amazing just because I'm scared if I feel it is right. I don't know if any of this made sense to anyone else. . . but it did in my head. And ya'll know the real reason I write is for my own benefit! :)

mom's spirea bush. (this is smaller than a quarter)

Back to life. . .

The Rest of the Day.

After I finished eating, I stopped and saw my grandparents. I haven't seen them in a while again because my work schedule isn't exactly visiting friendly, and when I'm not working I've been busy. So I visited with them for a bit, they seem to be doing pretty well. :)

Then I came home and spent some time taking pictures (the ones that are scattered in this blog). I hate how warm it is outside (It was 88 according to grandma and grandpa's thermometer.), but man, summer presents some amazing photo opportunities. The flowers are gorgeous. The sunsets are gorgeous, the sun itself is perfect, and the colors just pop! I still love photographing in the winter, and even moreso in the fall, but I have to find SOMETHING positive about summer! When I came in the house, I showed my parents my new clothes. They loved them! I spent some time organizing stuff in my room and filling out paperwork for my biopsy before I went outside to clean out the car.

It is so obvious I live in my, er, mom's car. I had clothes, shoes, food, coats and tons of garbage in it. I cleaned out all of the good stuff that didn't belong in there and dumped all the garbage in the garbage can then organized my stuff that I leave in the car (shoes, food, fire gear) in my trunk. So, once I vacuum it, it will be amazingly clean. :)

the reason summer is ok.

Once the car was cleaned, I came in and took a shower and got ready to go to dinner. Ben and I made plans last week for dinner but he cancelled on me so we rescheduled for tonight. It's always good to see him. And he's leaving for work again next week, so it was perfect timing. After our dinner I went to Walmart and did some grocery shopping. Then I went down to the lake and took some more pictures before heading home.

Now I'm sitting on my bed. Looking through my pictures. Thinking that it's probably time I go to sleep. I know, I'm boring! ;)

the lake after sunset.

Song of the Day:

Rain Is A Good Thing by Luke Bryan

[I love how catchy this song is. Plus I love rain! ;) Also, if you listen to it he says "warshin" instead of "washin" which makes me laugh. Katie always adds a "r" to wash. So she would like to visit "Warshington D.C." and "George Warshington" was our first president and she "warshes her clothes in the warshing machine." She says the r is silent when you spell it. *rolls eyes*

Anyways. . . the song is a good one. Oh and Luke Bryan is definitely worth looking at. :)]

♥ Sara

"I don't need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves." - Shirley MacLaine

Breathe.

Day 26 - [04.17.10]

I know I took a picture of my "Shit Happens" necklace in the last 365 project. I felt that it was significant enough to use for another shot. I love this necklace, or at least these charms. The charm spins and reads "SHIT HAPPENS" while spinning. But while stationary it looks like that. I found the charm in a bead shop in Kalamazoo and I bought every single one that they had in stock. I have made a bunch of them for gifts and a few for myself as well.

Also "shit happens" has become one of my many sayings. And this weekend was a perfect time to use it like 100 times in conversation. Plus, spinning the necklace is my favorite thing to do when I'm bored, or frustrated, or tired, or thinking. . . so it came in handy. :)

Song of the Day:

Breathe by Taylor Swift featuring Colbie Calliat

[I left Kalamazoo at least a day early (I may have left Monday had my work schedule allowed it and had I wanted to stay that long.). And in doing so, I heard this song on the way home and wrote it down in my little notebook so I wouldn't forget to use it for my song of the day. No, I didn't just go through a break-up but it felt even worse than one driving home. I couldn't help but feel like I lost two of my closest friends this weekend, like my relationships with them would never be the same. I really hope I'm wrong, but I'm not sure that I am. I couldn't wait to get back to my life here and attempt to forget about my weekend. I was not prepared for it in any sense of the word. I thought I would be able to handle seeing Justin and Katie together, and I could (barely) when they weren't all over each other. Unfortunately, that wasn't all of the time.

I guess this will be where I vent about my weekend. . . .

The first night, it was awkward and I actually ended up staying at another friend's house. The second day was awkward and thankfully I talked to Nick for a bit before he went to work, which really helped. But the night was just plain awful. I couldn't handle it. It hurt. Seeing them together just felt like betrayal all over again and made me nauseous. Luckily, I had a couple friends in Kalamazoo to talk to to make me feel better and allow me to vent out some frustration and pain, then when Nick got out of work I got to talk to him for a while and he listened to me vent, sympathized, gave me advice, made me happy and took my mind off the situation. After I was done talking to him, I was able to make it through the rest of the night.

I'm not sure why it affected me as much as it did. Maybe because for the past three months they have refused to talk to me about each other, even though they do talk to me, so I have had no opportunity to get used to or prepare for it. Maybe because they act just like they did when Justin and I were together, but adding in kissing and a little more touching. Maybe because we all saw this coming and for months they told me that nothing would ever happen between them, which was the only reason I didn't flip out more a long time ago about how they acted toward one another when we were together. So now it's like throwing salt in a wound. Maybe because general PDA, and ignoring other people while being all over each other in their presence, annoys me. I would say maybe because I'm jealous, which I'm sure that is what some of you are thinking, but that's not it at all.

I'm really not jealous of whatever they have going on. I have my life. I am happy with my life. I am happy with what is going on in it, and that's why I left an awkward and hurtful situation to come back to said life and be happy. And in all honesty, within a half hour of being home, I was perfectly content. To me, that says something. That says, for the time being, I know where I need to be. That says, for the time being, I know what I need to be doing. That says, for the time being, I know what makes me happy. That says, for the time being, I know who makes me happy. And that says that for me, I made the right choice in leaving early and coming back home. No regrets. Ever.]

♥ Sara

"Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light." -Jean Giraudoux

The End.

Yesterday, Day 365, I got up and headed home early. I was here by like 9. I worked on some homework then got my shower and got ready for the day. I wanted my 365 picture to be something awesome so I spent some time thinking and then went outside and took it, well, them. After I got done taking pictures I got ready and went to class. After class I worked on some homework again, read some blogs and called it a night kinda early.

I kept that short because I’m going to do a reflection:

Well, rather than just going back 365 days, I’m going to reflect back to the beginning of this blog. I remember how hated I was at that point by a lot of people and I remember saying then that Jeff would find someone who would make him happy. And from what I gather he has, after all he will be married in a few months. Congrats to him. : )

I think it is interesting how the blog came about, how I needed a way to tell the world what I did and why I did it, ironically I feel like I did that a lot in the past year. I have almost quit so many times. Right after the first blog was probably the worst, or maybe the beginning of January when Justin and I split and then I found out about him and Katie. But I am so grateful that I kept it going. I have read through it all and, man, do I have a lot to say. I’ll try to keep it short, but ya’ll know how that goes. I originally was going to link to all the posts that I am talking about, but I decided against that because, well, it would be A LOT of links and I doubt ANYONE would go back and read them all.

Over the past year I have made so many changes in my life and learned so many things. I chopped my hair off in various ways, I got bangs, I finally went back to my natural color, and in June I started growing it out. It is getting so long! I planned to move to my parents’ house, then to stay in Kalamazoo, then got stuck moving up here, and now I love it. I’ve learned how to live without a plan, and to enjoy it. I learned that being alone isn’t always a bad thing and can be pretty nice sometimes. I learned how to not overanalyze everything in my life, and everything that comes into contact with my life. I have learned to forgive, and honestly that was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Had I not stopped being a hard-ass and started forgiving people who hurt me I would have lost some amazing people in my life. I’ve discovered how to have patience. This was beyond necessary! J And, probably most importantly, I discovered my emotions and learned how to deal with them. I actually cry, and admit it. I hurt and admit it rather than getting angry and being a hard ass. I’m sure there are others but those were the most prominent.

I have definitely gone through a lot of heartache and confusion, but it has made me a stronger, and I would like to think better, person. There is a post (titled rejection, June post) that I could have posted at least three times in the last year. But I have learned to deal better and I know eventually I will look back on all of it and it will be trivial.

What else about this year? I have had some amazing times in the past year, and some rather upsetting ones as well. I’m pretty sure I single-handedly kept Cohen & Greenfield’s, aka Ben and Jerry’s in business. I spent a lot of time talking about food, man do I miss the Kalamazoo restaurants and bars. I have completed a lot of bucket list items (yay!). I spent a lot of great time with my friends. Katie and I threw some amazing parties this summer. Summer 2009 was by far the best summer ever. 409: I miss you. Fire school is even better than I expected and I’m looking forward to test day! Life up here is not what I expected, but I am enjoying it. I could still use a damn job though!

I can't believe I made it through this entire challenge without missing a day. Yes, some of my pictures were late. Yes, my blog was neglected from time to time. But I did it!! I DID IT!!!! I can't even express how exciting this is for me, yet how quick it went. I mean I remember getting excited on day 50 for making it that far. . . now that seems AGES ago in some instances, but like it was just yesterday in others. Wow. . . just wow.

During the past year I have made some amazing friends and strengthened already great bonds. Krissi, Katie and Justin, I miss you all and I don’t know what I would do without you! WB girls: You’re amazing. Thank you for all you do! J And any other loyal readers, it’s been one hell of a year and I’m impressed you’re still here. Ready for another?

Final Pictures:

Day 365 (03.22.10):

the end.

Day 365:

oh my goodness! I'm done!

♥ Sara

Random Fact of the Day:
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die!

"Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there." -Josh Billings

Crazy, Tragic, Sometimes Almost Magic, Awful, Beautiful Life.

I love this life. . . (and that song. :) )

So, you know how I used to always refer to my life as double-i? Well now, double-i is an understatement. Hence, why I have not posted in a week again. I know, I'm horrible! Just think though, a week from now and this will all be over! My first 365 project will be completed, and I think *think* I will be continuing it and I *think* I know what I'm doing for it! Also, an FYI for those of you who have been reading since day one, you will notice I am obviously leaving aspects of my life out. I won't be answering questions about them on here, sorry, for once I have secrets from ya'll. :)

For those of you who do know what is going on, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. I am a big girl and I think it's worth it. I am willing to wait to have what I want. I'm confident in saying that. I am sure everything will work out the way I'm planning and hoping. And if it doesn't, well you can line up to say I told you so. (Since there are only like 2 of you who know what I'm talking about, for the rest of you, consider this my apology.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyhow, Wednesday (the 10th) I got up in the morning and Dad and I decided to go down to the fire station, run the air station and rinse out the buckets for sap collection. Well we got to the station only to discover neither of us had thrown the buckets in the truck. Yep, we rock.

So, we headed back home, but took the long route. Dad showed me some side roads in our area that have big houses hidden on them and told me stories about various fires he's had there over the years. Then we went down to the boy scout camp and walked around and took a walk out on the ice before heading back to the house to get the buckets.

We spent a couple hours at the station. I ran the air station and read a fire magazine and helped Dad in between. We got the buckets all cleaned out (and both got soaked in the process). Then we headed back home. We were both cold and wet so we decided not to finish tapping then and came inside.

I worked on my homework for a while, then watched tv and went to bed.

Pictures:

Day 353:

dad and the lake

Day 353:

my first and last time on the ice (that wasn't for fire training).

Thursday (the 11th) I spent the day working on homework before getting ready for class. On my way to class I stopped at Jason's house and picked up his homework because he wasn't going to be able to make it to class. Once again class was class. Nothing too exciting.

After class I stopped at Jason's again to drop off his graded homework and his copied homework for the next class. I had intended on hanging out there for a bit before either going out or going home, I hadn't decided for sure what the night had in store yet. Well I ended up just hanging out there for the night. The guys had decided to have a bonfire so I stuck around for that.

Photos:

Day 354:

my new "shit happens" necklace.

Day 354:

on my way to class.

Friday (the 12th) I spent a lot of the trying to catch up on the sleep I was lacking. I had caught a cold and didn't want to keep it. I also worked on my fire homework as I had class on Saturday so I needed to get a chapter done on Friday.

Mom had to go to the Chiropractor at 5, so I took her to town for that, then we went to Cheboygan so she could get her hair cut. While we were in Cheboygan, we got Chinese. You know how much I love Chinese! Aw hell, you know how much I love food. :)

When we were done eating, I called Jason to see if he wanted me to come over and help him with his homework/study with him. And he said sure, so I headed over there. When we were done with our homework, the guys decided to play beer pong and asked me to join. Of course, I said yes, but only for a game or two. Well a game or two turned into a lot of games. I ended up staying up until, well, until Jason and I had to leave for class at 730. Oh man. . . .

Pictures of the Day:

Day 355:

necessary. not really sure who decorated my box for me though.

Day 355:

no, that room is NOT in my house.

Saturday, I checked the time and realized it was 730 so I woke Jason's ass up for class. We got ready and headed in. Luckily, class was short and sweet, I couldn't have handled a long class that morning. No sleep doesn't work for me. When we got back to the house I hung out with one of the guys for a bit before he left, then I left shortly there after. I got home and took a two hour nap before I had to get ready for the Onaway Fireman's Ball.

*sigh* Exhaustion.

Dad and I went together, even though we both had gotten tickets for dates. Mom wasn't feeling up to it, and well my boyfriend (at the time that I bought the tickets) broke up with me. I know I could have found another date, but I didn't feel like taking anyone. The party was great though. We ate, we drank, we danced, we had Jello shot competitions. Oh and did I mention that none of the people I was with were under 40?

After the Ball ended at midnight, we went out to Taylor's house (Zach, my training partner's house). Dad and I had been hanging out with his parents all night. When we got there I rolled his ass out of bed. (He skipped out on the party, loser.) We hung out there for a while, talked about fire stuff and had a couple beers before heading home.

I had a long ass phone conversation on my way home/after I got here so I didn't get to bed until 6 am. Ugh.

Pictures:

Day 356:

my best recorded time and the empty cup.

Day 356:

just got home, so tired.

Sunday I woke up at 9, got up for a bit, talked to mom, drank some water and went back to bed at like 11. I was so freaking tired! Dad woke me up at quarter after two for training. Yes, we had a fire meeting that involved training. Seriously, who plans these things? :P

I seriously considered not going because I was so freaking tired. BUT, I sucked it up, threw some pants on, changed my shirt, put my hair in a ponytail, brushed my teeth and headed to the station. Oh and grabbed a granola bar for breakfast. Thank goodness. I was starving when I got home, I couldn't have imagined what it would have been like without the granola bar.

When we got to the station we sat and talked and waited for everyone to show up. Turned out to be just Dad, Jason, Dave (my uncle), Zach and I, which actually worked out for the best. Dad had said he was going to have Zach drive 01 (the pumper) so I went to climb in (I wanted to be privy to watching this learning experience). Dad told me no and to get in 31 (the foam truck) which Jason was driving. I was kinda upset that we were going to cram three of us in the regular cab stick shift truck while two rode in the big firetruck, but whatever. So I crawled in the middle. Well Dad said something to Jason about me learning to drive a stick and told him I wasn't going to learn sitting there. So J got out and I crawled into the driver's seat. Ah!

The drive down to the dry hydrant wasn't as bad as I expected. I was kinda nervous, but I think I did ok. I know I need more practice, but that will happen again soon. :) When we got down to the dry hydrant we set up a draft to the pumper, then set up the foam line and charged it. Zach hadn't played with the foam yet, but I did at the Alverno fire. So we messed around with that for a while. And Jason spent some time instructing us. I have to admit, he is one hell of a teacher. He is calm and patient and instructs in a way we both understand. I love that firefighting stuff has brought us closer together. :)

I drove the truck back to the station in full turnout gear. Bad idea. I couldn't feel where the pedals were or how hard I was pressing on them. So, the ride back was a bit more bumpy than the ride to the hydrant. Oh well. When we got back we put our stuff away and headed home.

I had a paper due at midnight. So, I worked on it. Actually I stared at the computer until like 930, then wrote my paper. Well I had all intentions of going to sleep right after the paper was done, but I ended up staying up talking online until like 345. Yep, I'm sooooo smart sometimes! :P

Pictures:

Day 357:

this is what my knee looked like after full contact beer pong.

Day 357:

the shirt said it all: this sucks!

Monday I slept in to make up for some of the lack of sleep I had been getting. And by slept in I mean I didn't get up until like 230. Yep. It was fabulous. Then I did some homework, got ready for class and headed to Jason's to pick him up for class. My homework wasn't completely done so I intended on doing it on the way. . . .well that was until I got there and realized that he didn't have his done either. Ah! So we rushed through our homework together then headed to class.

Class was not all that exciting again. Same as always. When I got back to Jason's I ended up going in and hanging out with him and Shawnia and talking. The next thing I knew we were having a bonfire. Everyone slowly ended up in bed and I headed home.

Photos:

Day 358:

my purse. yes, shoes, book, hat, vitamin water, skittles, rope, you name it.

Day 358:

happily tired.

Yesterday I slept until three or so. Yep, I know I'm lazy, er super tired. When I got up, I ate, put together the list of donors for our party, got a shower and had to get ready to go to the Fire Fighter's Association Meeting. It was actually much better than I expected, usually the damn men act like teenage girls. They seem to be getting shit figured out, finally. And our party did well. Next year will be even better. :) After the meeting one of the Wolverine guys showed me around their station and told me all about their trucks. It was pretty cool. I love it when the guys treat me like one of them rather than that girl in their meetings. Dad, Dan and I headed back home. It did end up being another late night, but whatever, I'm getting used to it.

Photos:

Day 359:

Eliza yelling at me for coming in late. . . or yawning because I woke her up! :)

Day 359:

just got home, ready to go to bed.

♥ Sara

Random Fact of the Day:

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. If it is worth having, it is worth waiting for. If it is worth attaining, it is worth fighting for. If it is worth experiencing, it is worth putting aside time for." -Susan Jeffers

Moving On.

I remember one day, right around the time I started my blog, my ex's sister-in-law, Jen, told me to be careful because it could get me in trouble. She was speaking from experience. Well, that day finally came, and it wasn't even one of my "bad" posts! In the last year I have tore many people apart with my blog (and as far as I know they all read it!) and had no problems. Oh well, I took care of the problem and it won't happen again. If you are reading this and you are one of the people I pissed off, I'm sorry. Seriously.

Moving on. . .

Sunday I spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing. I wasn't in the mood for homework or party stuff. I couldn't eat without feeling like I was going to throw up. So I hung out at the house, talked to friends, played computer games, watched stupid TV shows (I really don't watch TV much, it just doesn't do it for me.), talked to my parents, oh and I went and go picked up the car that got left at the bar the night before.

But I did take my pictures:

Day 336:

the eagle that hangs out in our backyard.

Day 336:

one of those days.

Monday I had a ton of stuff to do, so that was a good thing. I got up and got my shower and did some stuff around the house before I headed to Petoskey. I had to go over there and apply for a job and get stuff for the party. I applied for the job, then went to Gordon Foods to get table coverings and the stuff to make the Jello Shots.

I had no trouble finding the cups I needed and while I was looking this guy asked me if he could help me and I told him no, I think I could find it, but thanks. Then I decided to check to see if they had Jello. Well I couldn't find it. And I must have looked lost because he asked me again. Here's our gem of a conversation:
Him: Do you need help finding something?
Me: Yeah, actually, do you sell Jello?
Him: Um, look behind you, you just passed it.
Me: *turns around* Thinking: Thank goodness I didn't dye my hair blonde! Thanks.
Him: We only have those big packages [24 ounces, dry], are you sure you need that much?
Me: Yep, I am making Jello Shots.
Him: *raises eyebrows* Well, that will make a lot of Jello Shots.
Me: I'm making 1000 of them.
Him: Oh, you will need a few of those. Man, am I glad I don't have to clean up after that party.
Me: That makes two of us!

Then I figured out how many packets of Jello I needed and got it and checked out. Then I went to the casino to try to get cards for the party, but they only had one deck. So I got them, then decided since I was having an awful week maybe I would have good luck. So I played five dollars in the slot machine. It kept me there for a while but I didn't win anything. I went to Walmart and got the rest of the cards that I needed. I still had like an hour to kill before I needed to head back for class, so I stopped in JoAnn's and killed some time there, got a new skein of yarn and just wandered around for a while. On my way out of town I stopped at Big Apple Bagel. I hadn't eaten much in the last couple days and needed some sort of comfort food, well as any of my regular readers know BAB is pretty much the ultimate comfort food for me, not necessarily because of the food itself (don't get me wrong, it's great), but because of what I associate with BAB, the 409. In the last few days, I don't know what I would do without those two people who have had everything to do with my life for the past year or so. I drove back to Indian River while talking to Katie and eating my food.

On my way to class I stopped at Pat and Gary's to get the vodka I needed for the Jello Shots. You can imagine the look on the cashier's face when I dropped two half gallons on the counter. First she asked for ID, then asked me twice if that's all I needed. I wish I would have been in a better mood and could have messed with her, ya know "yeah, this should get me through the rest of the day" or "yeah, I have a 6 pack of coke in the car" or something like that. But I just said yes and paid her.

I got to class an hour early. So I talked to Dennis on the phone for a while, then when one of the guys got there to open up the room, I went in and helped him set up. Then I talked with Bill and Don about the party and made sure we had just about everything set. Zach got there shortly after I did and he did an excellent job at keeping my mind off stuff and making me laugh.

After class, I headed home and spent some time talking to my closest friends before taking sleeping pills and heading to bed.

Pictures:

Day 337:

candy to make me happy.

Day 337:

some days still suck no matter how hard you, and everyone else, try to make them good.

Yesterday I was going to get up early and go into town for a job interview (it was open interviews so I didn't have a time I was *supposed* to be there). So I set my regular alarm for 915 and my phone for 930. Well, somehow I shut them both off without waking up. I got up after 11. Aw hell. Oh well, I got my shower and got ready and talked to my parents for a while, then headed in for the interview.

I think it went really well and I'll know for sure on Friday whether I got the job or not. *fingers crossed* I'm so ready for this job hunting adventure to be over. Or at least be less necessary. After my interview I stopped at Walmart and got a pizza for today, stuff to make Ben's red velvet checkered cake and Cohen and Greenfield's (Ben & Jerry's for those of you who haven't been reading this thing since day 1). For the record, I haven't eaten any since all this stuff went down, so it was well over due. I was told by one of my friends that Cinnamon Bun was the best, so I, of course, had to try that. So I got home and Dad and I sat here and ate half the pint together. It was AMAZING. Dad keeps gushing to everyone about how great it was. . . I think I have finally spread my love for Cohen & Greenfield's to him.

Then I spent my evening working on homework and messing around on the computer, took sleeping pills and went to bed. Maybe tonight I'll try sleep without them. Maybe is the keyword, I need to make sure I get all the sleep I can in the next few days so I'm alert and ready to roll on Saturday.

Pictures:

Day 338:

tickets for the package deal for the party.

Day 338:

yes, the lip ring is missing, it was because of the interview.

♥ Sara
Random Fact of the Day:
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

"Let's not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it." -Vincent Van Gogh, 1889 (ironically the same year he cut off his ear lobe.)

Pain and Forgiveness.

Ok, I have some stuff to put in here that I didn't have a spot to write about in any of the days and I think it deserves it's own post. I don't think it's a secret any more (and I think it was only a secret because they were hiding it from me) so I'm going to talk candidly about what happened that I was upset about before. Justin and Katie (which unless you are new to this blog you know that they are my ex and my best friend, and that best friend is an understatement) are dating. It was supposedly called off after I found out and flipped out (mainly because they lied to me), well they lied to me again about it.

But. . . .

Contrary to my "dealing with it" mechanisms in the past (and I'm not just talking the past month, or the past year, or the past five years, I'm talking about my entire life) decided to. . . .to. . . um. . . . try to get over it. . . . forgive them. . . deal with their relationship. . . . try to be friends with Justin. . . . try not to lose Katie . . . . I'm really not sure how to put it?

In the past short period of time, I have realized hiding pain behind a hardass, bitchy exterior isn't going to get me anywhere but in more pain. And part of this has to do with the two of them, part of it has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is my carbon copy and that makes me realize a lot about myself. (Don't be alarmed, everything is great between us.) So, I decided that my pain will show, even if that means tears will show. (If you know me well, you know I hate crying in front of anyone, no matter how important you are to me. I have issues with the idea that someone sees me as weak.)

So, in a second bold, brave, scary, heart-wrenching, stomach-in-throat move, I decided to send the two of them a message letting them know that I know, that I'm not mad, but I am incredibly hurt. Heartbroken doesn't begin to cover it. Devastated doesn't touch it.

Because they are dating? Well, I'm not going to lie, it rubs me the wrong way. Actually it shouldn't bother me at all. . . I have been calling this for at least 6 months. AT LEAST. I can think of 8 separate occasions where it was something that was discussed (that if Justin and I ever split that him and Katie would date). They both told me not in a million years. Well, for the record, once my wounds are healed, the two of you can expect a lot of razzing from me about your relationship and the fact that I was right! :P

Because they lied to me not only once but multiple times? Absolutely. It kills me that the two of them didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth, I do *kinda* understand why. I can be kinda scary. . . but they are 290 miles away, it's not like I could actually hurt them.

Back to the message. . . I told them I was hurt. I told them how I felt. I told them how it affected me. Here is a small portion of the letter. . . because I like what I said and want to share it.

I feel like I have lost so much in the last month, yet on the other hand I have gained a lot. [. . .] But I still believe that everything happens for a reason and I can say with 100% certainty that no matter the reason you (Justin) and I split it was the right thing and I know I am in a better place because of it. I honestly hope you are too. I have yet to understand the reason I had to lose you, Katie, or lose both of you as friends. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to understand that.

In the past month, I have realized so much. I have realized that I trust too easily and that I am good at setting myself up to get hurt.

I have realized that you, Justin, are not, and never were, the right person for me. On the positive side, I learned a lot from our relationship and that has made me a better person.

I have realized that I need friends who have the balls to tell me the truth, no matter how upset I may be.

I have realized that I am incredibly lucky to have found the people I found up here. I don't know how I would have made it through this without them. If you two ever talked to me you would understand what I mean by that.

I guess I really don't know what to say from here. I feel like I'm the only one of the three of us trying to salvage any sort of friendship, even though I feel like I should be the one cutting all ties and telling you both to eff off.

So, respond or not, your choice, just know that there's no reason to hide shit from me anymore.

I hope you two are happy together and that this works out for you. (There is absolutely no sarcasm in there whatsoever.)

I cannot describe how hard it was for me to send that letter. You can't begin to understand how much I love Katie. When Justin and I were together it was a running joke that if I ever had to choose one of them it would be Katie, hands down. That wasn't really a joke. Would I like to maintain a friendship with Justin? Yes. But that isn't my top priority. I don't want to lose the girl that I have turned to with every little thing you can imagine for the past year.

But this story seems to have a happy ending, for now. . . .and I hope it only gets happier from here.

Right after I sent that Justin and I spent three hours talking about stuff. Am I happy about everything we talked about? No. If I knew he was going to treat her right and try his damnedest not to hurt her would I support their relationship? I would try with everything I have. The best part of the conversation was when I didn't yell at him when he was expecting it. It really isn't worth it. I'm not angry. I'm not pissed. I don't want to hurt either of them. So, by the end of the conversation, Justin and I were good (at least in my eyes, I can't speak for him).

That night Katie tried to call me and I had my phone off from class so we didn't get to talk until the next day. Our conversation went well as well. She might actually come visit me next month, which would be great!! :) I really don't want to lose her.

Another reason I decided to do this is I am happy, minus this situation. There's no reason I should let any guy, no matter who he is, come between my best friend and I. But I do need her to be honest with me, and she knows this.

Now you know most of the story. There are some things that I left out to make this a bearable read, but they were minor details. The moral of the story: yes, I will still have some trust issues, but I think they can be repaired. I forgive them for lying to me. If they decide to have a serious relationship, I will support them. If he hurts her, there's a good chance I might hurt him. (Consider yourself warned, Justin, you know how much I love that woman. :P ) In the end, I hope that Justin and I can be friends and that Katie and I's friendship isn't altered much, if at all.

Plus. . . I didn't want to have to cut my ankle off. . . I have a contract, ya know?!? ;)

"Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule."
-Lewis B. Smedes

January 7th - January 31st

I know I am going to make one HUGE post here, but I have a lot to say, and I don't want to talk about my day every day because I do, er did, pretty much the same thing every day and this time I didn't write everything down because I was too frustrated and didn't even know if I would blog again. Well, since I already told you what the first reason was that I didn't write for so long, I might as well clue you in on the second two. Now, I'm not sure how much I'm going to share, and I know every time I say that I end up telling everything, but I'm really not sure I should this time. . . . eh, we'll see where the typing takes me.

After Justin left on the 6th, I was a complete and total mess. So I took a nap and tried to calm myself down. I had told a friend that if I wasn't a mess when he got out of his fire meeting I would be more than happy to go out and hang out with him, and I really wanted to get away from everything, so I knew I should pull myself together and go. I know, you are thinking who the hell is this friend she's talking about. . . . Let me back this train up a bit. . .

Remember on December 17th's post how I said that I had gotten to hang out with some people from fire school? Well here's the real story. I didn't tell it then because I didn't know how things were going to turn out and I didn't want to talk about stuff that had no point, especially not with everything else that was going on.

Anyhow, during class, I noticed the guy across from me was always looking at me. So I pointed it out to Zach and asked if he noticed, he said he had been watching it for a week and thought it was hilarious. Go me, I'm so observant. I mean the guy wasn't even shy about it. lol. So, Zach convinces me to go out to the bar (and believe me, it wasn't an easy task) and who do I notice standing at the bar shortly after I get there? Yep, the guy from class. Well one of my friends was talking to him, so I went up and said hi to him and introduced myself to him. Then I went back to Zach and the other people I was with and talked to them for a while. When I was standing there talking to Zach, he came up and asked me if I wanted to go out for his birthday with him the next day. I said I would love to but I was going to Kalamazoo so I couldn't. The thing is, I'm sure if I would have been here I would have went, I know, I'm kinda crazy.

A bit later, I'm sitting on a bar stool, which is coincidentally behind him. I swear I didn't sit there to be close to him, he argues with me. Whatever. We ended up talking for the rest of the night and I gave him my number. I let him know the situation I was in with Justin, it wasn't a secret that I was in a relationship, but the relationship was all but dead.

So, over the break, we talked every day, mainly via text with a couple phone calls mixed in. We are WAY too similar. Actually we are like a carbon copy of each other minus the fact that he is a guy and I'm a girl. Seriously, it's kinda creepy. He helped me deal with the situation I was in, gave me a reprieve, let me know that I wasn't a horrible person when people were talking shit about me, and dealt with way more tears of mine in the last month than I would ever want anyone to deal with.

Ok, so back to the 6th, when he got out of his fire meeting he called me. I decided I was going to man up and go hang out with him and Jason. So I put some makeup on (I didn't trust myself with it before that) and went out to his house. Hanging out with him and his friends was so comfortable for me from the beginning, like I fit in there.

Over the past month, I think there have been maybe four days that I haven't hung out with him. You can think that I moved too fast, you can judge me, you can look down on me, whatever you feel you need to do. Yes, I had a hard time with the Justin situation, especially in the beginning. But I know what was and wasn't supposed to be happening in my life and I'm certain that I made the right choices.

I am even more certain after the third thing that has kept me from this blog happened. I don't really know what to say or how to say it or what is appropriate to say. (Although at this point if the people involved get pissed at me, that's just tough shit, you shouldn't have screwed me over if you didn't want people in my life to know about it.) I will just say this. I was betrayed. I was hurt. I was lied to. I am pretty sure I have lost the two people who have been my pretty much entire life for almost the last year. Believe it or not, I have even sucked it up and tried being the bigger person, which is out of character for me. I didn't even totally flip out on anyone, even though they fully deserved it (also out of character).

In some aspects the betrayal was a good thing, but it took me a little while to realize this. I can't say I'm not still hurt, because I am. It's hard to imagine the two people closest to you hurting you this bad, especially when you thought it would never happen.

I did learn through that situation that I have found a wonderful man and that his friends are amazing and have accepted me (as much as they can). Be prepared to hear about the crazy adventures that are my life up here. I have had a crazy roller coaster of a month, but it led me to here, and I'm not complaining. I'm starting to wholeheartedly accept the motto "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger." I cannot put into words all the emotions that I have felt in the last month. It just is not possible.

Any questions? Feel free to message me or leave a comment here. Ya'll know I'm truly an open book.

Pictures!:

01.07.10

Day 291:

the quotebook. it has since been retired. i have a new one, but i needed to get rid of this one.

Day 291:

new scarf!

01.08.10

Day 292:

on my way in the house.

Day 292:

:)

01.09.10

Day 293:

I loved it.

Day 293:

♥

01.10.10

Day 294:

shoes i got for Christmas.

Day 294:

. . .

01.11.10

Day 295:

Roscoe.

Day 295:

my hair is getting so long. :)

01.12.10

Day 296:

Sam in my sock bin.

Day 296:

stay-home-and-get-stuff-done day.

01.13.10

Day 297:

ready for bed.

Day 297:

in the car.

01.14.10

Day 298:

shoes!

Day 298:

notice all the little white hairs on my shirt? thanks Roscoe.

01.15.10

Day 299:

the poster for the Fireman's Ball.

Day 299:

:)

01.16.10

Day 300:

gatorade.

Day 300:

. . .

01.17.10

Day 301:

delicious!

Day 301:

in the car. . . again.

01.18.10

Day 302:

nerds.

Day 302:

tired maybe?

01.19.10

Day 303:

found in my purse while cleaning it out.

Day 303:

Roscoe wanted to be in the picture. . . lol.

01.20.10

Day 304:

chapstick.

Day 304:

rough day, didn't exactly bother getting ready.

01.21.10

Day 305:

my planner.

Day 305:

on my way to class, made up for looking like crap the day before.

01.22.10

Day 306:

the purse Katie made me for my birthday.

Day 306:

early morning.

01.23.10

Day 307:

dad and his bandaged arm.

Day 307:

happiness.

01.24.10

Day 308:

my college books.

Day 308:

another 'i don't feel like getting dressed' day.

01.25.10

Day 309:

i think this is the most symbolic picture thus far.

Day 309:

:)

01.26.10

Day 310:

candle.

Day 310:

i got nothing.

01.27.10

Day 311:

sammy cuddling with me.

Day 311:

cuddled up with my kitty.

01.28.10

Day 312:

my awesome boots.

Day 312:

. . .

01.29.10

Day 313:

the road home.

Day 313:

i look like i'm about to cry. . . i swear i wasn't.

01.30.10

Day 314:

i've been eating them like candy, stupid heartburn.

Day 314:

tired.

01.31.10

Day 315:

kallie.

Day 315:

another stay-home-and-get-shit-done day. just got out of the shower.

♥ Sara

Random Fact of the Day:

A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal."

-Astrid Alauda

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

-Albert Schweitzer