I think I've figured out a way. . .

to blog more often.

I downloaded an app on my phone! (I'm trying to remember how I lived without a smart phone. So ironic considering I was adamantly against getting one. . . ) Now I just click the icon and I am writing a post. Much more convenient. . . :)

Work
I am working at the Clarion this summer and it's nothing like last summer was. I am only working around 40 to 50 hours and told Dave (the manager) that I *won't* work more than 60.

I have too many other, more important, things to be doing with my time.

It's also different from the aspect of the stress level. I'm doing the same job, but Dave runs the hotel is much different than anywhere else I have worked. It's much calmer and low stress.

Class
That's right. I'm taking a class again. In the summer. I need my head examined.

I'm taking a class for my EMT Basic certification. I've talked about and thought about doing it since I got into the fire service, and I finally decided it was what I wanted to do.

So now I spend at least 8 hours a week in class, plus study time and soon I'll be doing clinicals too. *sigh*

But, it will all be over in August.

Then I'll be on call with the ambulance.

And shortly after that we'll have the

Wedding
Wedding planning is going well. I'm freaking out about it but I think I'm actually pretty on top of things.

I have my dress. The girl's dresses are ordered. The cake is paid for. The flowers are set up. We have an officiant, reception hall, ceremony site and photographer. The flower girl and ringbearer items are at the house. The DJ and caterer are set. I have the invitations being made. And my super awesome cake topper is here.

I am most worried about the decorations and favors because I am doing them (with the assistance of my awesome nieces). Other than that, I need to figure out who is doing our hair, get the bar set, order the tuxes, buy gifts, get the dress altered and write vows. Just a few things. ;-)

Spare Time
I have none!!

Other exciting news: John and I are planning on building an addition to our tiny house. VERY exciting!!

Well, that's all for now. I'll be writing soon!
♥ Sara

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Jabruary.

I know, I've gone missing again. . . .

Here's what I've decided. I'm not going to worry about blogging about every detail I missed since the last time I posted (unless it's significant). I seem to worry about posting a lot of information or details, which stresses me out because I get to far behind, so I put it off, then I get further behind and it is a vicious, vicious cycle.

Since the last time I posted about life. . . here are a few highlights:
January 30 - My mom, Tierney and I went dress shopping in Gaylord. The dress-shop-lady was willing to accept my old dress for a credit on a new dress. I guess that means I won't be able to have a million adventures in my old dress. (See this post for what I'm talking about. . . :) ) But I am very excited about my new dress. It is gorgeous! (And it was the first one I tried on. . . WHY does it always happen that way?! I can try on 500 dresses and always end up with the first one.)

January 31 - We signed the contract for our reception hall!

February 9-13 - John went to Canada. Now, I had a million and one plans of things I was going to do while he was gone: things I wanted to do around the house, wedding plans I wanted to work on, etc. He should have been gone a month. . .lol. Instead I ended up spending quite a bit of time with my family and his family, more his than mine. I had dinner with family every night, and made it to one of Tier's games. I might not have gotten my stuff done, but I was certainly happy to see him when he got home. :)

February 21 - Krissi and Seth stopped in on their way from Cedarville to Kalamazoo, it was so good to see them! :)

February 26 - We had the 7th Annual Cheboygan County Dinner Dance and Auction. Remember last year? I made 1107 jello shots? This year, I cut it back to 900, thinking that I just made too many last year. Well, this year I was sold out by 930, and I started selling at 7!! The party was definitely fun, and better than last year because I was able to relax more, we made more money, and I had John with me. :)

Other highlights: snowmobiling, ice fishing, playing cards with Nate and Melissa, a couple fire runs (nothing too exciting), John shaved my cat (yes you read that right), spending time with Ricky, having dinners with each set of parents, taking Rickers and spending a day with my mom, working on other wedding plans, cuddling on the couch watching movies once in a while. . . just life. :)

Now that I feel "caught up" hopefully I can start posting more.
♥ Sara

"Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know
too much to learn something new."
-Og Mandino

We will make it.

Lately, I have heard numerous comments like "If you [they] make it" (depending on if I was hearing it first or second hand). And I've had a ghost from my past come back in my life [again], the same ghost that has made me doubt nearly every relationship I have been in. But this time, it was different. This time he just made me realize how happy I really am. How sure I really am. How definite this really is.

How do I know? I never thought you would ask. ;)

(Mind you this is not a comprehensive list, and there are some reasons that just cannot be put into words.)

I don't think "what if?"

If you know me well, you know I *always* wonder what if, about everything. That is, everything except my relationship with John. I don't wonder what if it hadn't *finally* happened. I don't wonder what if I had dated someone else. I can't imagine my life without him now.

I don't like having a guy flirt with me.

In every other relationship I have been in I still appreciated it when a guy tried hitting on me or picking me up. I liked knowing that if (when) it ended I had other options (I realize how bad that makes me sound). Now I just find it annoying.

I have everything I want, and no other guy has a shot with me.

I have no desire to do things I used to.

I don't drink. I don't go to the bars. I don't go to parties.

I don't miss it.

I am content with my life right now (minus the job situation).

Most of my life I have wanted to change something. I've wanted to run. I've wanted to be somewhere else. I have felt trapped in many of my life situations. And when I didn't feel trapped I felt like something is missing.

I don't want to leave.

We have had a few fights, fights that in the past would have made me run. I am good at running. I am good at not caring.

Just not when it comes to him.

I cry.

Now I know this sounds odd to you, random reader, but you, close friend of mine, completely understand this. I don't cry. Correction - I didn't cry. I used to say that the reason I didn't cry was because I didn't care enough to cry. I think I was right. Rather than getting angry, I cry. Rather than yelling, I cry. Rather than leaving, I cry.

And I am no longer ashamed to admit it. I have feelings.

I love him.

It's not a blind love. I have my faults, he has his. Like I already stated, we do argue. We do get crabby. But, I still love him. I still want to be with him. I still want to marry him. And, it's incredibly difficult to stay mad at him for any length of time.

Moral of the story: You may not have confidence in us but I do. And that's all that matters. So, talk away, you're the one who looks bad by doing so. But, it would probably be a better idea to invest that time and energy in your own relationships rather than talking shit about mine, you might be happier that way.

♥ Sara

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. . . You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore." -Neil Gaiman

We're Getting Married!

I guess John took me catching the bouquet as a good omen. . . he proposed on Tuesday!

Since a lot of people have asked for the story, here it is. . . :)

Welllll. . . I ruined it.

We had a fire association meeting last night. (Remember, that's where we met. . .) So we dropped his son off at his parents' house. I made plans with my future niece, Tierney, to come over and hang out with Ricky and I when we got back from the meeting. He shares custody 50/50 and she hadn't gotten to see him on this visit yet. . .

We got back from the meeting and rather than going to his mom's to pick him up, he turned on our road. I asked what he was doing, he said he had to pee. I told him to hold it, his mom lives less than a mile away. He said he couldn't. We get to the house and he told me to take my stuff in and I was upset. I said we aren't picking him up are we? And he said no my mom wants him for the night. I was really upset then. So I go in the house and start cleaning.

We eventually hash out the changing plans without telling me issue and he apologizes, all was well. Then he tells me he asked his mom to keep the kid because he had a surprise for me but it was ruined now. I *hate* surprises and even more than surprises I *hate* knowing about them but not knowing what they are.

So after much begging and pouting he told me he loves me and asked me if I was sure I wanted to be with him forever. I said of course. (This is normal conversation.) Then he pulls the ring out and asks me if I would marry him. Thing is I didn't see the ring. . . and I said you know I will. Followed by oh shit, you're serious. Then I said yes. :)

It was a long night of calls, texting and discussing plans!

I guess this means you, blog reader, need to be prepared to hear about this wedding planning adventure. ;)

♥ Sara

"Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." -Michael Leunig

Goodbye 2010. Hello 2011.

Well hello there! I'm back, for now. . . ;)

Since Christmas we have been pretty busy.

Some of the highlights:

We've had dinner with my family a couple times, once my parents came here and we went to my brother and sister in law's for dinner once. I love having dinner with the family. And I really love spending time with my niece and nephew. I don't see them nearly enough anymore. When I still lived with my mom and dad full time I saw them almost daily, now I see them maybe twice a month. And living 45 minutes away doesn't help that. . . Oh well, part of growing up I guess. . . .

Shawnia and the kids came up to go to the water park. The hotel I work at has a water park connected to it, so we spent a few hours there and then had dinner with them.

Katie and Justin came up here on vacation for New Years so one night John, Ricky and I went to Petoskey to have dinner with them. It was. . . different. I wish I could say our relationship was completely repaired and back to normal. But, regrettably, I can't. It was somewhat awkward for me (and it takes a lot to make me awkward). I was very happy to see them though. Justin got a job in Chicago and they have moved there, so I don't know when I'll see them again. I do wish that Katie and I talked more. . . maybe with time.

John and I stayed in and didn't do anything special for New Year's Eve. Just spent the night together. Perfection in my eyes. :)

On the 4th and 5th, John and I pulled up our carpet in the living room and put down laminate wood flooring. I *love* it. It's so much easier to clean and looks so much nicer!

Old Floor. . .

New Floor!

Also on the 5th we had our first fire together. Well, by the time we got there it wasn't a fire anymore, but rather just overhauling. It was still enjoyable, and definitely a long night. (Why is it that the majority of fire calls seem to happen in the middle of the effing night?!?)

I'll be writing another post about my cousin's lovely wedding! :D

♥ Sara

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us."
-Hal Borland

Merry Christmas! (two days late!)

I spent most of this week baking and making candies in order to prepare for the day after Christmas. I made roughly 20 dozen cookies and over 20 dozen candies. Every year I say I'm not doing it again. . . but I always do. . .

December 23rd I not only baked and made candy, but I also finished wrapping my gifts and made a gingerbread house. We had Ricky, so of course I had help doing all of the above. :) He is so adorable.

[I find it so ironic that one of the reasons I was hesitant to date John was because he had a son. I had a list of reasons why that would bother me, and now that little boy has me wrapped right around his finger.]

I had bought a gingerbread house to make for my 101/1001 project back at the beginning of the season. With the move and settling into the house I hadn't had an opportunity to make it. And I kept telling John he was going to help me, he kept telling me he wasn't. I cheated, I got the kid involved. ;) So, the three of us decorated the gingerbread house. Quite possibly the most pathetic one I have ever seen, and I'm pretty sure that was due to the adults. But we had fun, and that's all that matters.

Christmas Eve I had to work until 4, but after that we had our Christmas with Rickers (he was at his mom's for Christmas Day). He opened his presents and we ate dinner. Then we played with his toys for a bit before going home and watching a movie until it was time for him to leave.

After his mom picked him up, John and I our gifts since I wouldn't be around on Christmas Day. He got me a gorgeous necklace, tools and a toolbox. :) When we were done exchanging gifts we walked over to his sister and brother-in-law's for a little bit before I had to be lame and go to bed.

my necklace. :)

tools and box. :)

I was scheduled to work 7 am until 2 am on Christmas Day, but two of my co-workers, Andy and Wesley, love me and worked it out so I could leave at 7 pm. *insert big smiles here* I got out of work and snuck over to John's parents' house. I didn't even bother stopping at our house to change. It was Christmas and I wanted to spend it with people I care about. We were at his family gathering for a while before we headed home for the night.

Baking still wasn't finished. I made my eclairs and called it a night. I was exhausted and knew I needed sleep in order to make it through yesterday.

Yesterday, we got up in the morning and I finished the eclairs and my last batch of chocolates, got ready and headed to my parents' house. We opened gifts with them, then open gifts with Jason and Shawnia and had dinner. Later in the evening some of my dad's family came over for cookies and candies.

Of course, just as we were sitting down for dinner, I got a call from work asking me to come in because someone else was a no-show. I initially told them I would come in right after dinner. John and the family exploded. They are all sick of me being willing to go in at the drop of a hat, no matter what other plans I have, no matter what I am doing, no matter who I am with, no matter how I feel.

They stole my keys.

So I told work I would be in when I could, and only ended up working for like three hours. In that time, John took down our tree and cleaned the living room.

I know. . . I'm lucky.

Merry Christmas ya'll!!

John couldn't find any gift tags. . .

neither could Dad. . . .

SCARY!

♥ Sara

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy
family all wrapped up in each other."
-Burton Hillis

Done Moving.

Oh, life, how I love you.

In addition to blogging I keep a personal journal that includes those thoughts that I am not prepared to share with the world. (I know, you're shocked there are any aren't you?) I'm going to start out by sharing a small excerpt from that. . .

"My life cracks me up.
The irony is too much to bear at times.
The timing is amazing.
The way everything falls together (or apart) causes me to believe even more
in fate."

Everything is going great with John. No, it's not all rainbows and butterflies, but then again it shouldn't be. If it was, then it's not real. Life isn't all rainbows and butterflies all the time. After much consideration and discussion between us as well as between my mom and I (you know how I feel about my parents' approval), I moved in with him.

It just made more sense than paying for an apartment that I was rarely at. I'm still not completely unpacked, but I can guarantee I won't be moving or helping anyone move for a very very long time. This makes the fourth official move since June (to Aqua, back home, to the apartment, to John's). I am so over moving!!!

So I have spent a lot of my time outside of work unpacking, cleaning and organizing. It should be all done this weekend. I have banned myself from anymore Christmas related stuff until I get everything done in order to motivate myself to do it.

My cards are mostly finished, I just need a couple more addresses and to decide whether I'm including a letter of some type or not. . . I know, I need to get that done! My shopping is almost done, I just need to pick up a couple more things in Cheboygan and (im)patiently wait for my packages to arrive.

Work is going, well, as good as work can go. I love only working forty hours, but I miss the paychecks that came with 105 hour weeks! I still have a strong desire to actually find myself a job in my field. I miss helping others. I would love to find a job working with kids, especially full families.

I don't think I mentioned this already but I'm putting grad school on hold. My heart isn't in it at all. And I can't force myself to spend that much time doing something that I'm not passionate about. (I think I was in the wrong mentality when I chose what I was going for, I wholeheartedly believe that had I chosen Marriage and Family Therapy, I would still be going to school.)

I think that catches you up on my life! :)
♥ Sara

"May the roof above us never fall in
And may we good companions beneath it
never fall out."
-Irish Blessing

Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

As I write this, I am at work. And so full that I feel as though I might throw up. :)

This morning I got ready for work and went out to John's parents' house with him for a little while. We played with Ricky and just hung out for a bit before I had to go to work.

I volunteered to work today because at that time I didn't know I was going to end up in relationship and definitely didn't expect it to be one where I would feel comfortable going to Thanksgiving dinner with his entire family. I should learn to stop expecting stuff. And I knew my family's Thanksgiving wouldn't work for me unless I was to have the entire day off and that certainly wasn't going to happen.

So I have to work noon until midnight today. But have no fear, John brought me an amazing Thanksgiving dinner. I ate about 1/3 of it before I had to give up and put it in the fridge for later. I've been dieting for a couple months trying to (healthily) lose the weight that I gained after I started working up here so my body doesn't know what to do with this much food.

my Thanksgiving dinner. . . I was warned dessert would be coming later. Eek! :)

While I am here, and since it is Thanksgiving, I figured I would share a few things I am thankful for this year. Not something I usually do.

I am. . .

. . . thankful for my parents. They have done so much for me and I definitely wouldn't be at this place in my life without their help.

. . . thankful for my job. Even though I hate it at times, for the most part I love it. And I'm just happy to have one.

. . . thankful for volunteer opportunites. I love the fire department and am looking into working at the Crisis Pregnancy Center in Cheboygan if I ever get the right days off.

. . . thankful for my friends. I have numerous "groups" of friends and I don't know what I would do without them. I have been through so much in the last year or so and they have been there for me through it all.

. . . thankful for my health. I'm hoping this isn't me jinxing myself but I am so happy that I have went *so* long without being truly sick. A cold is nothing. I have had no relapses with my autoimmune stuff and my biopsies have been coming back the same as "normal" for me.

. . . thankful for my furbabies. They are great, I'm happy to have them living with me again.

. . . thankful to be on my own. There's something about taking care of myself and my own stuff that makes me feel amazing. (Although now I have someone helping take care of me, but that's different. *smiles*)

. . . thankful for him. SO thankful for him. He is exactly what I want, and, I think I met him at exactly the right time.

. . . thankful for my life in general. There isn't much I would change, and none of it is major. :)

♥ Sara

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Happiness.

Where, oh where, do I begin?

I guess I'll begin on day 1.

Day one for this story happens to be almost a year ago, December 15, 2009. . . .

This happened to be the date of the Cheboygan County Firefighters' Association meeting in Mackinaw City. This was the day we first saw each other. Now, yes, I realize this story is likely to be incredibly long, but I am going to thoroughly enjoy writing it.

Back to December 15, since the meeting was in Mackinaw, he decided to go for once. Dad (always more observant about how guys look at me than I am) asked me afterward if I noticed the new firefighters. I said yes, one in particular, and described him. Dad said yeah, well he noticed you too. . . Now, me, being me, my nose was too far into my knitting to pay attention. (I'm not joking. . .)

From then on I saw him once a month at the Association meetings, and I would always try to find a reason to talk to him, but I'm never good at that. . . it certainly didn't help that I didn't even know his name. At the house he was referred to as "the attractive Mackinaw City firefighter" or "the cute Mackinaw City firefighter." I remember one day in the beginning of April (right after I started working in Mackinaw) that I ran into him in Walmart and came home and told my parents who I ran into, still not knowing a name. . . lol.

Shortly after the Association meeting at our station, I went out to the Dixie after work and Bob, the other Mackinaw City firefighter was there. We were talking about the meetings and I said I felt bad because there were a lot of people that I still didn't even know their names and he said "well there's John and I from Mackinaw City"!!!!! FINALLY!!! After over four months, I finally had a name. Not that it really helped me much, but it was a start. :)

The next day he friend requested me on Facebook. I remember that I found it so ironic that I find out his name one day and the next he decides we should be virtual friends.

Of course, I went flying up the stairs and was like "DAD! Guess who just friend requested me?!?" And Dad, not knowing nor being that excited, asks who. I replied "John" and he says who? THE ATTRACTIVE MACKINAW CITY FIREFIGHTER, DAD! Oh, ok. Haha, not nearly as excited as I was.

So, of course I added him. And we talked on Facebook now and then, I remember wanting to hang out with him but being far to scared to ask. . . (this is just funny now. . .). After some time he finally asked for my number (or I gave it to him). We met up at the Dixie a couple times and hung out.

When I moved into the Aqua Grand we would go for drives together. It was beneficial in more ways than one for me. First, I got to spend more time with him and got to know him a little better and second, I got out of that damn building and got a little bit of my sanity back. We went out a couple other times, once for food, once to the movies. He was always willing to help me out of I needed something. I'll share two of my favorites. . .

I had to have a biopsy on my finger (turned out there was nothing wrong) and the spot hurt like hell. Wearing a band-aid made it not hurt at all because it kept me from hitting the stupid thing. Well, I had decided to do dishes and got my band-aid wet, so it fell off. I needed a new one, but couldn't find one at the Aqua Grand. Meanwhile I was texting John (like normal) and had mentioned this to him. . . so what does he do? He delivers a handful of band-aids for me. . . .

Another day, life was insane at the Aqua Grand and I was talking to John, telling him about my day and that I was hungry. He asked what I wanted and like 10 minutes later I was eating. And if I remember correctly he brought me enough food for like a week. Haha. . .

I have never had a guy willing to go out of his way to just help me without expecting anything out of it. And he certainly didn't seem like he was expecting anything out of it. I didn't ever feel pressured when I was with him. He did mention at a couple points that he wanted to date me but when I said I wasn't ready he said he would wait.

And he did. Patiently.

When I told him I wanted to move to Mackinaw for real, he helped me find my apartment and move in. . . OK, he did all the work. He got me on Mackinaw City's Fire Department and just kept me company in general.

That's what got me. Had he been pushy or moody, I would have been very *very* hesitant to give him a chance.

I had time to get to know him. Time to decide whether I wanted to give him a chance. Time to realize how great he was. Time to realize how well he treated me. Time to realize what I wanted.

We've been able to spend quite a bit a time together lately, thanks to not-so-crazy work schedules and no fire meetings in the last week. We went for a walk in the woods, went grocery shopping, watched a movie, got (three) Christmas trees and drove around a lot (he drove, I knitted, we talked). It was great. :)

Also, he's met my parents. And they both like him. . . not only do they like him, they both like how he makes me feel, how happy I have been, how comfortable I seem.

Now you know. . . :)

Oh!! One more story. . . The other day when I was at work he told me that he had a surprise for me. Now, those of you who know me well, know that I don't mind surprises IF I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THEM. He knows this, but insisted on telling me that then not telling me what the surprise was, ass. Well, I came home from work (well, went to his place from work) and found a bouquet of flowers, just because he could. This is incredibly significant to me for two reasons. 1) I once told one of my friends that if I ever found a guy who got me just because flowers, I was never going to let him go. 2) I had NEVER gotten "just because" flowers. Sorry Flowers? Yes. Birthday Flowers? Yes. Valentine's Day Flowers? Yes. Yay Day Flowers? Yes. Just Because Flowers? NO.

My flowers. :)

us.

Yes, it snowed for the first time while we were looking for Christmas trees. . .

♥ Sara

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."
-Gillian Anderson

Goodbyes.

Have I told you that I hate goodbyes?
Have I told you that I hate sad endings?
Have I told you that I hate having my heartbroken?
Have I told you that I hate crying?

All of the above are true. Yet all of them have happened far too often in my life, and especially since this blog was started. Now this one I saw coming for a long time (read: the past six weeks). And somehow I kept the entire situation out of my blog. . .maybe because I fell off the face of the earth for it. . . maybe because I didn't know what to write, how to say it, or even what to say.

Now, I'm not going into details on this one, because, well I don't feel like it right now.
I had fun.
I felt comfortable.
I trusted.
I fell hard.
I've hurt for weeks.
I've cried my tears.
I've come to terms.
I've said my goodbyes.

Instead of detailing the situation, I'm more interested in writing what I've learned, not just from him, but from every failed relationship (or not relationship) I've had. And mind you, there's more than one point for each one. . . fortunately, I seem to learn more than one lesson per relationship. If you are an expert on my life, you will probably be able to put a name with each point.

If you're in a long distance relationship and he disappears for a long time, then acts weird, it's because something [bad] is up.
If he cheats on you, dates her and then comes back to you, he'll leave you again, quite possibly for her.
If he allows his family to treat you like shit, he'll probably join the ranks soon.
If he seems like a possesive scum bag, he probably is.
If he ever acts violent towards you, it's likely not a one time occurance and will quite possibly get much worse, never better.
If he sabotages your friendships, think about why he would do that.
If he threatens to leave you, tell him to follow through.
If it's a long distance relationship and you don't want to see him, here's your sign.
If things are moving too fast for you, say something.
If he says he would choose a hobby over you, remember you deserve better.
If he says all he wants is to get married and have kids, that's really all he wants, it doesn't matter who it's with.
If you can't get him out of your head, there's a reason.
If it's a long distance relationship and he doesn't want to see you, here's your sign again.
If it appears he is into someone else more than you, he probably is. Don't be surprised when he starts dating her.
If he can't stop talking about his ex and how in love with her he was, he still is and nothing you can do can change that.
If you fight *all* the time, it's never going to work.
If you can date other guys and not speak to him for weeks, he's just not right for you, no matter how great he is.
If he's unwilling to commit to you, he never will be, don't waste your time.
If he promises to call and never does, you just aren't important, find someone who thinks you are.
If he treats you differently while drinking, he needs to choose, you or alcohol.
If he promises to change the way he treats you, hold him to it.
If you have promised yourself to never hand out second, third, fourth, or fifth chances, remember why.
If he treats you like shit, move on. . . there is someone out there who will treat you better.

I could write more. . .but there are some things I am unwililng to share about my life. (I know, it's a shocker.) I have contemplated writing an anonymous blog where I would feel comfortable sharing *everything*. . . . maybe someday. But not today. I still love this one. :)

So, here we go again. Moving on. Picking myself up off the ground. I've been down for a while this time though. Today is more of a relief than a sadness. And it's certainly not a shocker. And you better believe that I'll be doing something . . . something . . . new? with my life here soon. By my life. . . I mean my life/blog. Yes, I have a plan, you will see either tonight or tomorrow. That's a promise.

Song of the Day:
White Horse by Taylor Swift
[Self explanitory. :) ]

my ring, with a little bit of editing ;)

The real pic is on facebook.

♥ Sara

At the end of the day, it's about weather YOU like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn't working.. to recognize that it wasn't giving you what you needed and deserved.

So many of us find ourselves saying "BUT HE WAS SO GREAT!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.
-Above 2: It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're
trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.
-He's Just Not That Into You (the book)

Closure.

As those of you who have been known me forever (or have been reading my blog for a while) know, I was engaged once upon a time (March 2008) and I called it off (January 2009) because I wasn't sure that he was right for me. I had a lot of issues to deal with and I didn't want to make a huge mistake. In fact, my first post was explaining this to everyone. And I still hold that there is nothing wrong with him and that he was/is a great guy. Not once in the past year and a half plus have I regretted that decision or wished I would have stuck it out. I know I made the right decision, not only for me, but for him as well.

He started dating one someone a couple weeks after the split and was engaged shortly after our would-have-been wedding date (September 2009) and they set a date for August this year. Last summer, she made him remove me from his life. In all honesty, I don't blame her one bit. I'm not sure how I would handle that situation either. It broke my heart because he was so much to me, even after all romantic feelings were removed. But I supported their relationship and wasn't going to do anything to cause problems for them. I truly did love him (just not in a romantic, I-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you way).

She is still facebook friends with me. So, for the past week I have been watching their wedding pictures come through my newsfeed. Of course, I had to look at some. In doing so, I can say I'm truly happy for him and hope nothing but the very best for him and his wife. On the other hand I can't help but feel a little jealous (as I am with most of my friend's relationships). He was my security blanket and he saved me (I don't really want to go into details about what that means, not here, not now). And I really do miss our friendship.

My jealousy isn't that I want to be with him, not at all. It's that deep down I desire that type of relationship. But then again if you are an avid reader of this blog, you know that. I just hope someday I find it. Maybe one day I'll find the guy that can handle me for the long haul. For now, I'm pretty content. I still hold that I'm not going to jump into anything unless I'm sure it's what I want and therefore the right thing for me.

I figured I would share this with you, seeing as I share nearly every part of my life since that relationship ended here and I feel as though this brings some sort of closure to that small part of the story that is my life.

Song of the Day:

My Wish by Rascal Flatts

[Seems pretty fitting for this post. And therefore I would say it is self-explanatory.]

♥ Sara

"The highest happiness on earth is marriage." -William Lyon Phelps

Reflections.

on my way to my day off. . .

cooler with drinks, steak and salad + wood for a fire + private beach = perfection.

If I was to say my life right now was all I had imagined it would be at any point during the last ten years, I would be lying. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be working a over 100 hours a week and living in Mackinaw, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. Hell, a year ago I was still trying to stay in Kalamazoo!

Now, I'm not saying I hate my life or anything like that. It just makes me think about what could have been and what is to come. This is where my mind tends to wander while I'm at work for at least 15 hours a day.


I'm going to divide my thoughts into separate sections partially for your benefit, but mostly for mine to keep myself from rambling too much. :)

sunset at the end of my parents' road.

Love

I'm sure it shocks everyone (or no one) that this made my list of things to ramble about. I think the longer I am single, the more cynical I become. I don't know how to explain it. In the past, what, 5 or 6 years, this is the longest I have been without a relationship (I know, it's only been like six months. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing.). I find myself thinking critically of other people's relationships and looking back at my past relationships and wondering if love actually exists. I'm not talking about familial love, or friendship love. I know for a fact that they exist, which I will likely write about later in this post.

Maybe it's not so much love that I doubt as it is the idea of a soulmate or one person who is right for me. Maybe it's my doubt in other people that leads me to doubt love in this sense. Maybe it's my doubt in my future. Maybe it's the fact that I have been let down in the past and I'm afraid that it will happen again, or that I will make it happen to another person.

Now, I'm sure I could be in a relationship if I wanted to, but I have decided I will not do so unless I'm 100% sure of it. And I'm not. I have been through too many shitty relationships to get myself in yet another. Plus, right now, I work too many hours a week to even entertain the idea of a relationship with anyone. I get nine hours a day off work. That is barely enough time to sleep, shower and get ready for work. Certainly not enough time to share with another person.

I LOVE roasted marshmallows.

Work

Speaking of work. . . it is my life. I have no time for anything else. I have quit drinking completely (I didn't have a problem, I just don't have the time and it's easier this way.), so going out is rare. I guess that's a good thing though because I don't have time to go out. I have to say it is interesting around here. Between guests, coworkers and random things that happen it's rare that a day goes by without something exciting going on. I think at the end of the season I'll write about my work experience and share some of those things with you. Or maybe I'll video blog about it. :)

I am looking forward to the end of the season though, when work is over. But it's not like I'll be done for good, most likely I will be working for mom this year. Ya'll know I can't stand not doing anything. And now that I have been working this much I can't imagine not doing it. I hope that makes sense.

Starting after Labor Day, whenever we have less than twenty rooms rented, I will have the day off. Pretty much, I will be working only on the weekends after Labor Day. I will still be getting a minimum of 40 hours a week. I'm definitely not upset about that. I will probably be thrilled to have the break by then. :)

the sand between the lake and the stream.

School

I don't think I mentioned it before because I wanted to figure out if I am going, where I am going, when I am going and what I am going for before I brought it up. I have decided that I am fact going. I will be starting my Master's degree through Liberty University August 23. My classes are all online, so I will be able to do it from the comfort of home, er, work. For the first month or so of classes I will still be working. Yes, I am aware that I am insane.

What am I going for, you ask? Well, my heart and my head were torn. It was between a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Master of Business Administration with an emphasis on Accounting.

My heart wanted to go for the MA because it would put me in a better position to help people in my job. If you know me well, you know that I have a strong desire for helping others, and like my love issue, that will be discussed later on. But this field isn't exactly a happening field to be in. Also, marriage and family therapists don't make very much money, especially not in the beginning.

My head wanted to go for the MBA because it would lead to more jobs, and most likely more money. I wanted to have an emphasis on accounting because I know that is something I (somewhat) enjoy and I can then sit for my CPA exam.

I'm sure you can figure out that my head won. I feel that it should have and that I made the right decision. (I'll let you know if I still feel that way in a couple years.) I have to take two undergraduate classes in the fall for prerequisites, then it is graduate classes from then on out. I know my grad classes will be ridiculous, so hopefully work won't be so intensive when I start them. Wish me luck! :)

my parents

Family

I felt like including family in this blog because working here makes me appreciate my family even more than I did before. Believe it or not, I think I miss them more now than I did when I was living in Kalamazoo. When I lived in Kalamazoo I was able to talk to them more often, and I was able to see friends and get out of my apartment. Here, I rarely leave my apartment/work or see people outside of my roommates and a few other employees up here. Thankfully, I have wonderful parents who come up to visit me now and then. Since I started the new schedule, they have promised to come visit once a week or so. I am so happy to hear this. :)

And I promised I would come back to the love thing. My parents are the reason I can say hands down that love does exist. They have been there for me through everything. And by everything, I mean everything. I cannot express here how much I appreciate them and all they have done for me. In fact, it's not even worth trying. I will just say I have amazing parents and even though there are times when I don't agree with them, and there are certainly times they don't agree with me, they are the best.

she hated the lake, but loved the stream. I think she was afraid of the waves.

he, on the other hand, couldn't get enough of the water. :)

Volunteering

I think volunteering is one of the things I miss most about being here. I missed the pregnancy care center even before working up here. Now I miss it even more. Something about being able to help people and knowing that I am making a difference just does something for me. I think I'm going to try to start working at a center up here when I'm done with the season, if I have the time.

If you know me well you know I thrive off of helping others. Hell, here I am referred to as "mom" because I cook and clean and take care of the guys as much as I can. Not because I am expected to or asked to, but because I want to. (But I do appreciate help from them now and then. *hint, hint* :)...)

I also miss firefighting, even though we hadn't had that many fires. I even miss doing maintenance stuff around the station. (Never thought I would say that one!) Last week they had a fire and I got a text message about it. I was so sad that I wasn't home for it. Oh well, soon enough I will be back to the house and able to go fire calls (if we ever get them) and will once again be able to go down to the station and work. Plus I won't have to miss meetings anymore!

I had an meeting for the party committee for the Fireman's Dinner, Dance and Auction last week on my last day off for the season. Yep, that's right, we are really planning ahead this year. I'm excited for February to get here for that. Put it on your calendars and come support us! :)

enjoying my last day off.

Last Day Off.

August 4th was my last day off for the season. I have to say it was pretty amazing. I was able to go home the evening of the 3rd. On my way home I stopped and got my ear pierced again, an industrial this time. Then I went to vote, picked Dad up from home and went to our fire meeting. I was able to get a FULL night's sleep, take care of some things that needed to be taken care of, then spend my entire afternoon/evening at the beach. I loved that my day included sun, Stephen King, steak, s'mores and a swimsuit. :) But now, I'm working every day, 15 hours a day. Oh well, in the end it will be worth it.

the dock I spent my day on.

Song of the Day:

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

[The lyrics are self-explanatory. The more time I spend thinking about my life, the more I feel like my planning is useless because it isn't going to turn out the way I planned anyhow, even though that might not be a bad thing. I'm just kinda along for the ride, seeing where life takes me. I don't feel like this is a negative thing, as long as I have accepted it, and I have. I'm excited to see where I end up in a year, or five, or even better yet, twenty-five. :) ]

♥ Sara

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell

Rumors. . .

Hi, my name is Sara and I love it when rumors are spread about me!

*NOT!*

Actually, most of the time I simply don't mind I let it roll off my back and continue on with my life, but when rumors about me screw up relationships (whether they are friendships or something more than friendships) then I am furious. Recently there have been two types of rumors spread about me and these rumors have affected friendships.

The first is the type of rumor that has some truth to it, but in which assumptions are made and accusations are laid out that change something innocent into something not so innocent. The second type is one that is 100% false and has no reality to it. Now, the first one isn't a huge deal if questions are asked and explanations are allowed. The second, on the other hand, is. I don't know, there is just something about making a story up that is entirely false that makes you a complete scumbag. Period. End of story. Yes, you, Sir Rumor Spreader, are a scumbag.

Now, what is even worse than that is when said rumors can also affect someone else's life and relationships. In this case, if the rumors were to go beyond the handful of people that currently know, that could happen. I hope for the sake of the rumor starters and for the sake of the other people being talked about that it doesn't happen. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

-------------------------------

This was written on the date shown for posting. Now, two days later, I have had more time to think and have come to a few realizations.

1. The rumor starter/spreader is in fact a scumbag. I am counting on karma to get him on this one. . . . for now. That is until I come up with a better solution. And if you know me, you know I will. No, no talking to other people will be done. I will deal with this head on . . . isn't that how I always handle my problems?

2. If you don't trust me enough to believe my side of the story, well I don't need you in my life anyhow, especially if there is no concrete evidence to the story you were told. I try damn hard not to lie and not to do things that would put me in a sticky situation. So if someone were to ask me straight up if I did something I would tell them. They might not like the answer, but I would give it to them anyhow.

3. I don't miss the person that I had written this about initially, but I am still pissed that these rumors are still being discussed, and I know they are. I guess one way to look at it is: if they are talking about me they are leaving someone who can't handle it alone.

Well, I think that is all I have to say about this for now, and I know I have other blogs waiting to be finished and posted so I will be doing that soon!

Song of the Day:

Rumors by Lindsay Lohan

[I had no clue she sang this song. . . but I thought it was fitting for the blog. That's all I really have to say about it. :) ]

♥ Sara

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, I'm already better than them." -Marilyn Monroe

It's Wedding Season. . .

As most of you already know, I was engaged two years ago. (Wow, it's been two years.) And as I'm sure you have also recognized, it's wedding season! *sigh* Wedding season always gives me mixed feelings, has for years. Half of me dreams of getting married and having kids one day, yet I doubt that will ever happen. I'm not a pessimistic person in general, just when it comes to relationships and other people. Maybe it's because I've been let down, or maybe it's because if I don't have high expectations it's harder to be disappointed.

As a Weddingbook moderator (It's an application on facebook that has forums for couples planning their weddings. I became a mod two months after I got engaged and haven't stepped down yet, mind you, I called off the wedding a year and a half ago! I've considered quitting numerous times but I do love it there and I don't mind being the "single moderator.") I am constantly aware of wedding stuff. At times, it gets to me that I may never find that person, that I may never have that, but for the most part I just enjoy hearing about, helping and seeing happy couples (even if I get twinges of jealousy from time to time) and I LOVE seeing the photos of their big days.

Back to the purpose of this blog. I recently came across a blog entitled "My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress." I am hooked. This guy recently got divorced and his ex wife left her wedding dress behind for him to do what he wished with it. Well his goal is to come up with 101 uses for a wedding dress. It is great. And in it he writes about what it's like going through the divorce, it's very interesting.

Prior to finding this blog I had been thinking about what I could do with my dress. It's gorgeous, but even if I ever do get married I don't see myself wearing it because it's "tainted." I don't know, it would be weird to get married in a dress that I bought for a wedding that never happened, ya know? Anyhow, I know I could try to sell it, but I don't know how likely it is that it would actually sell. It has been hanging in a closet for two years just waiting to be used for something. So I had tried thinking of a fun "project" I could use it for. I mean I would have to buy it off my parents first, or promise to buy my real wedding dress (if I ever have one) myself.

So here is what I have come up with, whether I go through with it or not, only time will tell. I won't be starting it until the end of summer at the earliest. . . I am considering doing a photo project entitled "52 Places To Wear A Wedding Dress" or "52 Things To Do While Wearing A Wedding Dress." Why 52 you ask? Well, I wouldn't want to do more than one a week. But one a week does seem like a do-able option. This project would have to include someone else, not always the same someone else, but I wouldn't be able to take the pictures myself and get the full effect. Plus, I figure wearing a wedding dress 52 different days in a year is going to get far more out of it than had I wore it the one day I was supposed to. Plus I think it could be one hell of a fun project. So I have started a list. Any additions to said list that you can think of can be messaged to me on facebook, commented here or emailed to me directly. :)

And since every post has pictures. . . here are the ones for this blog. . . me in the dress.

Song of the Day:

So What by Pink

[If you know my taste in music you would know that Pink is one of my favorite artists. I don't know, there's just something about a good-looking, badass, true to herself artist. Plus I tend to relate to some of her songs. And I LOVE this one. Once again, not directed at anyone in particular, but rather a whole group of people. :) ]

♥ Sara

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.” -Sex in the City

(Ya know, I keep finding these quotes so I'm thinking I should probably actually watch an episode or two. lol.)

#117 - Completed.

117. go out to eat alone.

Disclaimer: I have no idea how this blog got to be this long! So I will be subtitling it so you can skip parts you don't care about if you want! :)

Wednesday Thru Sunday.

So this couple days off thing might be rather beneficial for my blogging! I worked Wednesday thru Saturday like I had said. Then Saturday night I went out for a couple hours before heading home for the night. When I got home I crashed. I spent most of the day yesterday sleeping.

When I wasn't sleeping yesterday, I was figuring out my returns/exchanges for some clothes I ordered, eating strawberries and sugar with dad and hanging out with the kids. For as long as I can remember strawberries have been my favorite fruit. Ever. And Dad would often buy (and still does) pints of strawberries and we would (and still do) sit and eat them together while dipping them in the sugar bowl. Have you ever dipped strawberries in a sugar bowl? It makes a strawberry-sugar mess. Mom *loves* it when we do that. I swear one day I will buy her her own sugar bowl! :)

strawberry in the sugar bowl. :)

Jeremiah and Shianne were here for the day, I spent an hour or so hanging out with them in the hot tub. Yes, the hot tub when it was like 70 degrees outside, we didn't have it very hot. But it was fun, those kids are getting so big! I always said I would never say that. . . I still refuse to say it directly to kids, but those two make me feel old. Seriously.

Anyhow, after they went home, I took a nap, then watched a movie, then went to bed. I don't know what my deal is but I have been SO tired lately.

this fly was amazing to photograph. he let me take like 10 pictures of him.

Doctor's Visit.

Today I had to get up early to go to the doctor. When I went to see my family doctor about having my mole removed I reminded him that it's time for another biopsy of my esophagus. Well the doctor who did it before has since left the area so he had to find a new doctor for me. She is a gastroenterologist out of Petoskey and I actually liked her. She didn't give me any bullshit or tell me that the diagnosis couldn't be possible and she was very straightforward about what it means. Finally. Let's see if she keeps it up . . . I have my biopsy Tuesday then will be seeing her again shortly thereafter to go over my results.

For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Barrett's Esophagus, a condition that can lead to esophageal cancer, four years ago now. I went through three biopsies over a year and discussion of surgery then, but they opted out of doing the surgery and decided to just take care of my gallbladder at that time. So, I was told that in three years I would need to have another biopsy done. Well, I passed the three year mark by a couple of months now, I've kinda been putting it off. Something about going through a bunch of medical procedures drives me nuts. Of course, this will be my third biopsy in less than two months. Woo. Freaking. Hoo. Wish me luck, and I'm sure I'll have an interesting story after it. I tend to do crazy things when I'm sedated. And if any of you are interested in the procedure I will be going through it is called an esophagogastroduodenoscopy, also known as either an EGD or upper endoscopy. And here is a link to the site that I found to be most informative about it.

mom's ladyslippers are out.

Shopping.

When I got done at the doctor's office I decided to go shopping because I really wanted a white shirt for work. I ended up getting a couple shirts and an awesome pair of boots at the first store I went to and a couple of shirts, a few pairs of nylons and a few skirts for work at the second one. I went shopping at the right time! Everything I bought was on a major sale and I saved like 150% of what I spent. Score! And I have no buyer's remorse. My way of looking at it was that I have to go back to Petoskey Tuesday for the biopsy so I have a week to decide if I want to keep it all. . . Looks like I do. :) Who would have thought that shopping for work clothes would put me in such a good mood, especially when I don't feel content with my body at this time? (If you know me well you know that the days I feel content with my body are few and far between. . . ) In all honesty, I love that I have to get dressed up for work.

you know how I feel about dandelions! :D

Completing a Bucket List Item.

After shopping I was STARVING. I was going to pick something up from BAB for lunch. But then I remembered my bucket list and decided to knock off one of the items since it has been so neglected lately. So I decided to go into BAB and eat. It really wasn't bad at all. In fact, I think I actually enjoyed the time to myself.

self-portrait action shot.

Independence and Relationships.

I've always thought of myself as one of those people who needed someone with me, but I think I have changed a lot in regards to that in the past year and a half or so. I lived alone in Kalamazoo for a few months and didn't really even talk to many people outside of school, work and meetings. For the past few months, I have done pretty much everything by myself. Hell, I even go to the bar alone. (There will always be people I know there, but I drive there alone, go in alone, and go home alone.) It seems as though I have been realizing just how much I don't need other people. I mean. . .I am a people person, I need people in my life, don't get me wrong. But I'm not so much dependent on other people to do things or for my happiness, er, rather, to feel content.

I loved photographing this caterpillar, even though he wouldn't remain still. At all.

Never have I been so comfortable without a committed relationship in my life. I don't know, maybe my mind will change on that at some point. But not now. It is rather ironic to me that I feel that way now. I remember when someone close to me that he just had no desire for a relationship, that he was happier single and I thought he was freaking crazy. (Ya'll should know who I am talking about if you are an avid blog reader, or at least if you have been around since the beginning.) Now, I understand. I know part of it is that I have been hurt so many times in the past, and I really am that guarded now. Another part is that I now absolutely refuse to be in a relationship with someone until I feel absolutely certain that it is what I want. Plus, I love that I can talk to whoever I want, act how I want, dress how I want, eat what I want, exercise when I feel like it (or not! ;) ), and just do whatever I want whenever I want to without having to answer to anyone or explain what I'm doing and my reasoning for doing it. I feel so. . .. liberated.

Now, I know what happens every single time I go on a tangent like this. . . so yeah, we'll see if it happens this time! And no, I'm not hoping it will. But I'm also not going to pass up something amazing just because I'm scared if I feel it is right. I don't know if any of this made sense to anyone else. . . but it did in my head. And ya'll know the real reason I write is for my own benefit! :)

mom's spirea bush. (this is smaller than a quarter)

Back to life. . .

The Rest of the Day.

After I finished eating, I stopped and saw my grandparents. I haven't seen them in a while again because my work schedule isn't exactly visiting friendly, and when I'm not working I've been busy. So I visited with them for a bit, they seem to be doing pretty well. :)

Then I came home and spent some time taking pictures (the ones that are scattered in this blog). I hate how warm it is outside (It was 88 according to grandma and grandpa's thermometer.), but man, summer presents some amazing photo opportunities. The flowers are gorgeous. The sunsets are gorgeous, the sun itself is perfect, and the colors just pop! I still love photographing in the winter, and even moreso in the fall, but I have to find SOMETHING positive about summer! When I came in the house, I showed my parents my new clothes. They loved them! I spent some time organizing stuff in my room and filling out paperwork for my biopsy before I went outside to clean out the car.

It is so obvious I live in my, er, mom's car. I had clothes, shoes, food, coats and tons of garbage in it. I cleaned out all of the good stuff that didn't belong in there and dumped all the garbage in the garbage can then organized my stuff that I leave in the car (shoes, food, fire gear) in my trunk. So, once I vacuum it, it will be amazingly clean. :)

the reason summer is ok.

Once the car was cleaned, I came in and took a shower and got ready to go to dinner. Ben and I made plans last week for dinner but he cancelled on me so we rescheduled for tonight. It's always good to see him. And he's leaving for work again next week, so it was perfect timing. After our dinner I went to Walmart and did some grocery shopping. Then I went down to the lake and took some more pictures before heading home.

Now I'm sitting on my bed. Looking through my pictures. Thinking that it's probably time I go to sleep. I know, I'm boring! ;)

the lake after sunset.

Song of the Day:

Rain Is A Good Thing by Luke Bryan

[I love how catchy this song is. Plus I love rain! ;) Also, if you listen to it he says "warshin" instead of "washin" which makes me laugh. Katie always adds a "r" to wash. So she would like to visit "Warshington D.C." and "George Warshington" was our first president and she "warshes her clothes in the warshing machine." She says the r is silent when you spell it. *rolls eyes*

Anyways. . . the song is a good one. Oh and Luke Bryan is definitely worth looking at. :)]

♥ Sara

"I don't need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves." - Shirley MacLaine

Breathe.

Day 26 - [04.17.10]

I know I took a picture of my "Shit Happens" necklace in the last 365 project. I felt that it was significant enough to use for another shot. I love this necklace, or at least these charms. The charm spins and reads "SHIT HAPPENS" while spinning. But while stationary it looks like that. I found the charm in a bead shop in Kalamazoo and I bought every single one that they had in stock. I have made a bunch of them for gifts and a few for myself as well.

Also "shit happens" has become one of my many sayings. And this weekend was a perfect time to use it like 100 times in conversation. Plus, spinning the necklace is my favorite thing to do when I'm bored, or frustrated, or tired, or thinking. . . so it came in handy. :)

Song of the Day:

Breathe by Taylor Swift featuring Colbie Calliat

[I left Kalamazoo at least a day early (I may have left Monday had my work schedule allowed it and had I wanted to stay that long.). And in doing so, I heard this song on the way home and wrote it down in my little notebook so I wouldn't forget to use it for my song of the day. No, I didn't just go through a break-up but it felt even worse than one driving home. I couldn't help but feel like I lost two of my closest friends this weekend, like my relationships with them would never be the same. I really hope I'm wrong, but I'm not sure that I am. I couldn't wait to get back to my life here and attempt to forget about my weekend. I was not prepared for it in any sense of the word. I thought I would be able to handle seeing Justin and Katie together, and I could (barely) when they weren't all over each other. Unfortunately, that wasn't all of the time.

I guess this will be where I vent about my weekend. . . .

The first night, it was awkward and I actually ended up staying at another friend's house. The second day was awkward and thankfully I talked to Nick for a bit before he went to work, which really helped. But the night was just plain awful. I couldn't handle it. It hurt. Seeing them together just felt like betrayal all over again and made me nauseous. Luckily, I had a couple friends in Kalamazoo to talk to to make me feel better and allow me to vent out some frustration and pain, then when Nick got out of work I got to talk to him for a while and he listened to me vent, sympathized, gave me advice, made me happy and took my mind off the situation. After I was done talking to him, I was able to make it through the rest of the night.

I'm not sure why it affected me as much as it did. Maybe because for the past three months they have refused to talk to me about each other, even though they do talk to me, so I have had no opportunity to get used to or prepare for it. Maybe because they act just like they did when Justin and I were together, but adding in kissing and a little more touching. Maybe because we all saw this coming and for months they told me that nothing would ever happen between them, which was the only reason I didn't flip out more a long time ago about how they acted toward one another when we were together. So now it's like throwing salt in a wound. Maybe because general PDA, and ignoring other people while being all over each other in their presence, annoys me. I would say maybe because I'm jealous, which I'm sure that is what some of you are thinking, but that's not it at all.

I'm really not jealous of whatever they have going on. I have my life. I am happy with my life. I am happy with what is going on in it, and that's why I left an awkward and hurtful situation to come back to said life and be happy. And in all honesty, within a half hour of being home, I was perfectly content. To me, that says something. That says, for the time being, I know where I need to be. That says, for the time being, I know what I need to be doing. That says, for the time being, I know what makes me happy. That says, for the time being, I know who makes me happy. And that says that for me, I made the right choice in leaving early and coming back home. No regrets. Ever.]

♥ Sara

"Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light." -Jean Giraudoux