a penny for my thoughts...: Maybe one day I will understand life. . . .

. . . today is not that day.

I'm going to write this like I do all my blogs, by day, but I can tell you now, yesterday's part will be an emotional mess. The one thing this blog has helped me do is open up, I have no trouble tapping into my emotions and spilling it for the world. Ok, like I said. . . .

Friday I got home and took a shower and got ready for the day, then we got the call that the car was done, so Dad and I went into Cheboygan and got some stuff at Walmart then picked up the car. When I got home I finished my homework for the weekend and had some pizza for lunch then started working on stuff for the party.

Later I headed out to my friend's place. We hung out there for a bit, then we decided to go to the Trout and have a couple drinks and eat some food with some other friends. After we were done at the Trout we went back to his place and hung out. The boys got called out to a fire, so they went and I hung out at the house and talked to Katie on the phone for a while.

I have a bit of a cold, but that night it was really bothering me and my entire body ached and I just felt like crap. After the guys got back to the house I went in and laid down for a bit, then decided I was going to go home and go to bed because I wasn't feeling well. That was a bad idea, long story short, he thought I was leaving him, it turned into a rough night. But we worked it out. He told me that he wasn't sure that he could be with me. Well we talked about it and decided to give it some time and see how he felt later, like in a few weeks. Then we went to bed.

Pictures:

Day 334:

sunset.

Day 334:

my eyes were so blue that day.

Yesterday I got up and talked to him for about an hour about random stuff before I left. When I left, things were fine and he had said he wanted me to come back later that evening to hang out for the night, which was both good to hear and normal.

When I got home I took a nap because I hadn't slept much the night before because I was stressing out about our relationship and we had stayed up until well after 5 talking. Long afternoon short, I went over to his place around 5. When I got there some of the guys were there.

The boys left and we started talking. He was being really distant with me and we were talking about the same stuff we had talked about the night before. He decided he couldn't do it. That he couldn't be in a relationship with me. I really don't get it. I don't understand. I would give anything to change it. I wish I knew what I did (according to him it wasn't me at all, but I have a hard time believing that). He said he was sorry, that he wished he could and that he didn't want me to hate him or not respect him. I don't. I don't at all. I told him that if he changes his mind or realizes that he can, he knows how to get ahold of me, and I wouldn't even think twice about giving him a second chance. Maybe at some point I may change my mind on that, but at this point in time that's how I feel. All of this would be so much easier to handle if I could be pissed at him, if I didn't respect him, if I could hate him. I can handle anger so much better than I can handle sadness.

After a lot of tears and hugs I finally left. I decided I was going to stop at the Trout for a drink or two, see some friends, then go home. Well one drink turned into staying there until Heather closed the bar then going to Breakers with her. She ended up driving me back home and I talked to my parents for a bit before going to bed.

I don't know what I would do without friends. Katie and Justin were incredibly supportive through the last two days. I texted Zach, my training partner, to let him know. I ended up calling and talking to him and telling him he better be ready to tell me great stories at class on Monday otherwise I might fall apart. He was concerned about me and offered to come get me, I told him I was fine. But it was nice to hear that he was concerned about me seeing how the majority of the time that we say anything to each other we're tearing each other apart. Then of course my friends from up here who held me together last night and got me through it.

I just hope in the end, we can be friends if nothing else and I don't lose my friends up here because we split. I'm afraid that is what will happen though. Actually, what I really hope is that he will realize he can to be with me. I guess time will tell. All I know is that this sucks. Bad. And I am dreading class now. *Sigh.*

I know some of you reading this will think I'm being over dramatic and that I shouldn't care because it's not like we were together for a long period of time. But it felt right. We are so much alike. Everything just worked in our relationship. Yes we had fights, but that's because we are are pretty much the same person. And I think another part of it is the fact that I just didn't see it coming. Everything was perfect up until I tried leaving Friday night.

Ok, I'm going to stop rambling. I could seriously write pages on this right now. . .

Here are my pictures: