Katie and I slept til after noon. Then we watched Enough (one of my favorite "I - just - got - rejected" movies, if you have seen it you can probably guess why). During the movie I wrote the blog for yesterday. Then we had breakfast and hung out for a bit and talked until she had to leave to get ready for work.
I spent the rest of my day doing nothing. I had no motivation for anything and just generally felt sad. I hate those emotions, for sure. I spent most of my day wondering what is wrong with me. UGH. I wish I knew, for real. I almost asked an ex, then decided against it. I attempted to put some clothes away but that ended in tears. So I decided to stick to playing computer games, listening to music, talking to my girls, and looking at TFLN.
I showered at about 7. Put a tank top and pajama pants on, took my photos of the day then got reacquainted with my couch. The highlight of my day was the little bit of rain we got here. I LOVE rain. It's the best.
This is the most unproductive and generally dissatisfying day I have had in a LONG time. Today was one of those days I had no business sitting at home alone all day. But, oh well.
It really bugs me that I am this upset. I really think it mostly has to do with the rejection and feeling like there is something wrong with me. I don't handle rejection well. It's like failure that I have no control over. Especially since every rejection I have had in the past few months come along with the "you are a wonderful girl and there is nothing wrong with you" speech. I think that is the biggest load of bullshit ever. I would much rather hear what is wrong with me. And if you are one of those guys, leave a comment here, sign it anonymous and tell me what the fuck it is! If it's something that I agree with and just hadn't thought about I might change it, but like Jake pointed out on the phone last night more likely than not, I won't. I would just like to know what it is. And if it's something that I absolutely won't change it will most likely even make me feel better about the situation, ya know? Then I can fall back on the "I'm me and if you don't like it, tough shit" attitude we all know I have. I just need to know what it is about me.
I'm convinced it's the rejection, it has to be. It's not like I was in love with him or had any other reason to be this upset. I mean yeah I thought he was great to hang out with and was hopeful that something might develop, but nothing that should make me feel like this, ya know? And for the record, I think in the end we will be good friends. It also is probably a combination of all the rejection I have had in the past few months and the fact that I let myself (read forced myself) to be optimistic when my intuition was telling me this was going to happen anyhow. Go me! lol. Oh well. Moving on.
Tomorrow will be great! Katie and I are going job hunting. Then going to watch UP, followed by Red Wings, followed by He's Just Not That Into You. I'm really looking forward to all of it!!
Now I want to end on a good, happy note, because if I have my way this will be the last time I let myself be upset about this! Dennis called me today. He got his grades! (Those of you close to me know about my shared-anxiety over law school, I might have mentioned it here during exam week, but I'm not going to look.) I was right! He did VERY well (four As and one B) and got the Book Award in one class (meaning he had the highest grade in the class).
This is after he told me that he thought he was going to fail out, and would be happy with all Bs (he's not a bad student at all). And this is after way more stress than either of us needed. I tried my hardest to be his rock during exams, and according to him I succeeded (which always makes me feel good). But in doing so, I had shared anxiety with him and would freak out about his exams and my stupid nervous stomach and I would fight on exam day. lol. Oh well! I'm so happy he did so well! And I am so proud of him!! (If you are reading this I really am, I'm not just gushing to you, I'm gushing to the whole world!!) Also, the stress was totally worth saying I was right and knowing that he is capable of doing so well! The thing is next term I'll try telling him about this and he will give me 1001 reasons why he's going to fail again. lol. He's lucky I ♥ him!
Ok, for the pictures!
Day 71 (06.01.09):
the view looking up from laying on my balcony.
Day 71:
i tried smiling or looking a little bit happy and it was just so fake. bad fake.
so i showed my real emotions (minus tears).
"Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water."
-Antoine Rivarol
4 comments:
I hated this when people told me this same thing...but it is very true: You won't meet the one you are meant to be with until you stop looking and start focusing on making yourself happy. If you can be completely independent without needing a man to make you happy...then it will fall into place.
Don't hate me for passing this on. I always hated it when people told me that, too. Good luck job hunting!
Thank you Jen! =)
The thing is, I wasn't looking. Not in the least, haven't been since Ben. We met at a party at my place and then Katie and I invited him over to hang out one night and it kinda just went from there. And I'm back to not looking. I thoroughly enjoy being single and being independent.
But far warning, today's blog will include "cannot have and ideally will have" lists that Katie and I made today. Strictly for fun, well kinda. . . some of them are true as well. . .haha.
Yeah, I agree with Jen. I have been rejected far more times than Any one person should be in a lifetime lol.
Just focus on you, and you would be surprised what happens. =)
-Yaz
lol. Thanks Yaz.
Seriously, that's what I have been doing for 3 months+. I'm not even looking now! I've had guys fall into my life, then leave for God-only-knows what reason.
No worries. My best friend (Dennis) and favorite girl (Katie) are keeping me sane! =)
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