Pain and Forgiveness.

Ok, I have some stuff to put in here that I didn't have a spot to write about in any of the days and I think it deserves it's own post. I don't think it's a secret any more (and I think it was only a secret because they were hiding it from me) so I'm going to talk candidly about what happened that I was upset about before. Justin and Katie (which unless you are new to this blog you know that they are my ex and my best friend, and that best friend is an understatement) are dating. It was supposedly called off after I found out and flipped out (mainly because they lied to me), well they lied to me again about it.

But. . . .

Contrary to my "dealing with it" mechanisms in the past (and I'm not just talking the past month, or the past year, or the past five years, I'm talking about my entire life) decided to. . . .to. . . um. . . . try to get over it. . . . forgive them. . . deal with their relationship. . . . try to be friends with Justin. . . . try not to lose Katie . . . . I'm really not sure how to put it?

In the past short period of time, I have realized hiding pain behind a hardass, bitchy exterior isn't going to get me anywhere but in more pain. And part of this has to do with the two of them, part of it has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is my carbon copy and that makes me realize a lot about myself. (Don't be alarmed, everything is great between us.) So, I decided that my pain will show, even if that means tears will show. (If you know me well, you know I hate crying in front of anyone, no matter how important you are to me. I have issues with the idea that someone sees me as weak.)

So, in a second bold, brave, scary, heart-wrenching, stomach-in-throat move, I decided to send the two of them a message letting them know that I know, that I'm not mad, but I am incredibly hurt. Heartbroken doesn't begin to cover it. Devastated doesn't touch it.

Because they are dating? Well, I'm not going to lie, it rubs me the wrong way. Actually it shouldn't bother me at all. . . I have been calling this for at least 6 months. AT LEAST. I can think of 8 separate occasions where it was something that was discussed (that if Justin and I ever split that him and Katie would date). They both told me not in a million years. Well, for the record, once my wounds are healed, the two of you can expect a lot of razzing from me about your relationship and the fact that I was right! :P

Because they lied to me not only once but multiple times? Absolutely. It kills me that the two of them didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth, I do *kinda* understand why. I can be kinda scary. . . but they are 290 miles away, it's not like I could actually hurt them.

Back to the message. . . I told them I was hurt. I told them how I felt. I told them how it affected me. Here is a small portion of the letter. . . because I like what I said and want to share it.

I feel like I have lost so much in the last month, yet on the other hand I have gained a lot. [. . .] But I still believe that everything happens for a reason and I can say with 100% certainty that no matter the reason you (Justin) and I split it was the right thing and I know I am in a better place because of it. I honestly hope you are too. I have yet to understand the reason I had to lose you, Katie, or lose both of you as friends. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to understand that.

In the past month, I have realized so much. I have realized that I trust too easily and that I am good at setting myself up to get hurt.

I have realized that you, Justin, are not, and never were, the right person for me. On the positive side, I learned a lot from our relationship and that has made me a better person.

I have realized that I need friends who have the balls to tell me the truth, no matter how upset I may be.

I have realized that I am incredibly lucky to have found the people I found up here. I don't know how I would have made it through this without them. If you two ever talked to me you would understand what I mean by that.

I guess I really don't know what to say from here. I feel like I'm the only one of the three of us trying to salvage any sort of friendship, even though I feel like I should be the one cutting all ties and telling you both to eff off.

So, respond or not, your choice, just know that there's no reason to hide shit from me anymore.

I hope you two are happy together and that this works out for you. (There is absolutely no sarcasm in there whatsoever.)

I cannot describe how hard it was for me to send that letter. You can't begin to understand how much I love Katie. When Justin and I were together it was a running joke that if I ever had to choose one of them it would be Katie, hands down. That wasn't really a joke. Would I like to maintain a friendship with Justin? Yes. But that isn't my top priority. I don't want to lose the girl that I have turned to with every little thing you can imagine for the past year.

But this story seems to have a happy ending, for now. . . .and I hope it only gets happier from here.

Right after I sent that Justin and I spent three hours talking about stuff. Am I happy about everything we talked about? No. If I knew he was going to treat her right and try his damnedest not to hurt her would I support their relationship? I would try with everything I have. The best part of the conversation was when I didn't yell at him when he was expecting it. It really isn't worth it. I'm not angry. I'm not pissed. I don't want to hurt either of them. So, by the end of the conversation, Justin and I were good (at least in my eyes, I can't speak for him).

That night Katie tried to call me and I had my phone off from class so we didn't get to talk until the next day. Our conversation went well as well. She might actually come visit me next month, which would be great!! :) I really don't want to lose her.

Another reason I decided to do this is I am happy, minus this situation. There's no reason I should let any guy, no matter who he is, come between my best friend and I. But I do need her to be honest with me, and she knows this.

Now you know most of the story. There are some things that I left out to make this a bearable read, but they were minor details. The moral of the story: yes, I will still have some trust issues, but I think they can be repaired. I forgive them for lying to me. If they decide to have a serious relationship, I will support them. If he hurts her, there's a good chance I might hurt him. (Consider yourself warned, Justin, you know how much I love that woman. :P ) In the end, I hope that Justin and I can be friends and that Katie and I's friendship isn't altered much, if at all.

Plus. . . I didn't want to have to cut my ankle off. . . I have a contract, ya know?!? ;)

"Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule."
-Lewis B. Smedes